Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Hang out at home this week to avoid losing your remaining chill on someone spontaneously. You have a ton of pent-up rage to get rid of — get to work on that.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Something wicked this way comes, and even Shakespeare’s wise words couldn’t get you out of whatever you’ve gotten yourself into now.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): It’s time to mow the lawn and trim the hedges. Whatever that means to you, the stars suggest you hop to it.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): If you’re thinking about texting someone cute, don’t. Don’t text anyone this week, for that matter. For once in your life, you suck at words.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Your sarcastic attitude is getting out of hand. People are starting to think you’re a bit cold-hearted, and that’s (most likely) not true at all. Do some research on alternate senses of humor.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): All signs point to “hell yes.” Whatever crazy thing you’ve been thinking about doing lately, the stars say now is probably a good time to do it. Probably. But don’t quote me on that.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Your roommates are probably testing your patience right about now, and it’s OK to start looking for a new place. The roomies will understand and still love you, even if you move out — they are your parents, after all.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Watch where you’re going this week. You tend not to be the most aware of your surroundings, and the last thing we need is another pedestrian accident on you.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Be on the lookout for a Ben & Jerry’s coupon in the newspaper this week. You’re gonna need it. While you’re at it, you might as well dig up your “Titanic” DVD. Gonna need that, too.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): This week would be a good one to spend a lot of time rethinking your hairstyle. And yes, simply brushing it for once counts as a new hairstyle, just so you’re aware.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Everywhere you go this week, it seems like junk food is calling your name. Your previous attempts at healthy eating have failed anyway, so you might as well just eat whatever at this point. Life is short.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): A friend’s idiotic idea will land you both in trouble this week. Avoid that by not agreeing to any hangout plans whatsoever (hint: Netflix won’t get you in trouble — Netflix doesn’t have any idiotic ideas).

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.