Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

People are starting to catch on to the fact that you’re actually completely basic — your fabricated cool just isn’t enough anymore. Hope you have a solid backup plan.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Mosquitos are not your friends, and neither are people who keep asking you to hang out outside with mosquitos. It’s best not to venture out of the house this week.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

The stars say you’ll get to experience the life of Taylor Swift this week. You know — the adoring fans, the glamour, all your lies exposed…

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Better watch your back; some friends have been jealous of you lately and it’s causing them to act bitter toward you. Not sure what’s got them so green? Me either. You’re a hot mess.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

True love is in the air and it’s sure to find you this week. Let’s just hope you look hot when it does.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Stop buying stuff you really don’t need. The stars have seen the current balance of your bank account and they’re not impressed.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The stars say your life will be hell this week. And the stars aren’t even sorry.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You’ll receive a gift from someone unexpected this week. But it’ll most likely be something you don’t particularly need in your life right now, so good luck.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your work doesn’t really belong in the trash, but people keep putting it there anyway. You’ll find yourself quite literally down in the dumps this week, but it’ll pay off.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You’ve been too busy playing “Pokémon GO” to notice someone cute trying to get your attention, and they’re about to give up on you. Oh well. Can’t catch ’em all.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

It’s the middle of July; time to give up on that summer tan and start thinking about your future. Seriously, jeans and stuff are on sale right now. Think about your fall wardrobe.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

We’re all feeling a little personally victimized by you right now. Check yourself, or the stars will. (In other words, be nice to people and always look both ways before crossing the street.)

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.