Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

You’ve turned over a new leaf early this year — and you kinda screwed yourself over by doing so. How are you going to top this change in the fall?

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

It’s the start of something new for you this week. Don’t expect everything to work out perfectly for you like it did for Troy and Gabriella, though, because it definitely won’t.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Time to kick your comfort zone to the curb. Yeah, Starbucks has a good caramel macchiato, but someplace else might have a great caramel macchiato. Shake it up or risk being stirred by the stars.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Thinking about buying those expensive concert tickets or finally taking that dream vacation? Do it all now while you can afford it. There is not money in your far-off future, friend.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Netflix and chill is not a summer date option anymore. You’ve been lacking in creativity, which is why you’ve also been lacking in love lately … in case you’re wondering.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

If you have a sibling, the stars say they’re probably right about something they told you. Take their advice. If you don’t have a sibling, don’t actually take anyone’s advice right now. Not even mine.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Your life this week is about turn into an episode straight out of this season of “The Bachelorette” — kind of awful, yet so dramatic that no one will be able to look away.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You’ve been hiding out again instead of adulting. That’s going to hurt here in a couple of weeks when every responsibility you’ve ever ignored arises again to haunt you.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

The stars say you should get some Chinese takeout this week. And you should take your fortune cookie fortune seriously. You just can’t make that stuff up.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Don’t buy any fruit this week; it’ll definitely mold faster than you can eat it.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

An adventure with friends is soon to come, and it will most definitely involve some questionable decisions, but you’ll get some great stories out of it. Probably.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You can’t stop sleeping. And you don’t have to. If the world is going to ignore you, why not ignore the world?

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.