Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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You’ve turned over a new leaf early this year — and you kinda screwed yourself over by doing so. How are you going to top this change in the fall?

It’s the start of something new for you this week. Don’t expect everything to work out perfectly for you like it did for Troy and Gabriella, though, because it definitely won’t.

Time to kick your comfort zone to the curb. Yeah, Starbucks has a good caramel macchiato, but someplace else might have a great caramel macchiato. Shake it up or risk being stirred by the stars.

Thinking about buying those expensive concert tickets or finally taking that dream vacation? Do it all now while you can afford it. There is not money in your far-off future, friend.

Netflix and chill is not a summer date option anymore. You’ve been lacking in creativity, which is why you’ve also been lacking in love lately … in case you’re wondering.

If you have a sibling, the stars say they’re probably right about something they told you. Take their advice. If you don’t have a sibling, don’t actually take anyone’s advice right now. Not even mine.

Your life this week is about turn into an episode straight out of this season of “The Bachelorette” — kind of awful, yet so dramatic that no one will be able to look away.

You’ve been hiding out again instead of adulting. That’s going to hurt here in a couple of weeks when every responsibility you’ve ever ignored arises again to haunt you.

The stars say you should get some Chinese takeout this week. And you should take your fortune cookie fortune seriously. You just can’t make that stuff up.

Don’t buy any fruit this week; it’ll definitely mold faster than you can eat it.

An adventure with friends is soon to come, and it will most definitely involve some questionable decisions, but you’ll get some great stories out of it. Probably.

You can’t stop sleeping. And you don’t have to. If the world is going to ignore you, why not ignore the world?