Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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Open your mind to new friendships, Leo, or the stars say you’ll be spending too much time alone this semester, wondering why you never, ever have any weekend plans.

You’re about to get really fit this semester, Virgo. You’ll be trekking around campus, nonstop, with a backpack that’s heavier than you are.

All the coffee in the world won’t make the first few weeks of school any less ugly for you, Libra. Might as well switch to decaf so you can at least get some sleep.

Start studying for finals now. Just trust me.

Your enthusiastic attitude toward getting back to school is annoying. Please at least try to dread this painful time as much as the rest of us.

You’re already thinking about how hard you’re going to party as soon as the first weekend hits. I don’t need the stars to tell me your GPA is doomed.

Why did you sign up for an 8:30 a.m. class, Aquarius? The stars say you’re going to be taking a lot more naps than notes this semester.

You’ve come to terms with school starting and are actually more emotionally stable about it than the rest of us. You should probably get that checked out, Pisces. One, because it’s not like you, and two, because it’s not like anyone.

The stars indicate a spike in social activity for you during the first few weeks of school. Don’t get too excited, though — looks like a lot of that is chatting with an older relative on the phone.

You’ll spend a lot of time in the library this semester. You should start scouting out good places to snooze in there during the first couple of weeks of class while everyone else is out socializing.

The stars say you’ll meet someone sweet within the first few weeks of school. They didn’t say if it’d actually work out between you two, or if you’d even see them again after meeting, though. Sorry, Gemini.

You’re already feeling a little stressed out, just by talk of school starting up again. Hang on to your sanity, Cancer — you’re in for a rough ride.