Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

This week, it’d probably be good to keep away from any bodies of water — oceans, rivers, lakes, pools, your bathtub. I just wouldn’t risk it.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You’re about to lose your marbles, but you should just let it happen. Everybody needs to go a little crazy every once in a while.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Your messy room has become an accurate representation of your whole entire life. Never too late to give getting it together a good shot, though.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You’ve kissed frog after frog, but all you’ve got is warts. The stars say it’s time to rethink your dating game. (Hint: Deleting your Tinder account would be a really good place to start.)

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Whether it’s about if they are paying bills or their obnoxious snoring, your roommate needs to know you’re annoyed before you snap on them unexpectedly. Use your words (your nice ones).

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Your good luck is about to run out. Expect the unexpected and start coming up with backup plans for literally everything.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars say you’re about to get real lost. Interpret that as you will.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You’re prone to making bad decisions this week, so you should probably avoid big choices of any kind for a while.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You’re great at picking fights — too bad picking fights is a dying art form. (Nobody’s tryna fight you.)

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Get some good coffee or something. You’ve been excessively grumpy lately and it needs to end here.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

You need to do laundry. Seriously, it’s been like two and a half weeks.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You keep complaining that you feel like death, but do you ever actually go to bed before 4 a.m.?

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.