Slightly sarcastic horoscopes


Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.


July 23 – Aug. 22

This week, it’d probably be good to keep away from any bodies of water — oceans, rivers, lakes, pools, your bathtub. I just wouldn’t risk it.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You’re about to lose your marbles, but you should just let it happen. Everybody needs to go a little crazy every once in a while.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Your messy room has become an accurate representation of your whole entire life. Never too late to give getting it together a good shot, though.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You’ve kissed frog after frog, but all you’ve got is warts. The stars say it’s time to rethink your dating game. (Hint: Deleting your Tinder account would be a really good place to start.)


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Whether it’s about if they are paying bills or their obnoxious snoring, your roommate needs to know you’re annoyed before you snap on them unexpectedly. Use your words (your nice ones).


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Your good luck is about to run out. Expect the unexpected and start coming up with backup plans for literally everything.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars say you’re about to get real lost. Interpret that as you will.


Feb. 19 – March 20

You’re prone to making bad decisions this week, so you should probably avoid big choices of any kind for a while.


March 21 – April 19

You’re great at picking fights — too bad picking fights is a dying art form. (Nobody’s tryna fight you.)


April 20 – May 20

Get some good coffee or something. You’ve been excessively grumpy lately and it needs to end here.


May 21 – June 20

You need to do laundry. Seriously, it’s been like two and a half weeks.


June 21 – July 22

You keep complaining that you feel like death, but do you ever actually go to bed before 4 a.m.?

Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.