Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Thinking of joining a couple of fun clubs this semester? Don’t. You’ll hate them. In every way.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Do yourself a favor and leave all your cute at home this week. The last thing you need is an extra shadow trying to keep up with you and your busy schedule. Any “chance encounters” you encounter probably have nothing to do with chance.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Rein in your savagery this week. Just reign it in. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, both rein in your savagery and stay at home until you figure out how nice words work.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Careful not to catch the love bug — the stars say the cutie in your class has a major secret. Not that we don’t all have secrets, but let’s be real, we all know you really know how to pick ’em.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Do your homework. It’s waiting for you. I mean, so is your comfy bed, but sleep is for the weak and weekend.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You’re super energetic this week, and it’s freaking the rest of us out a little. Not to discourage your sudden wave of positive emotions, but it is a very sudden and very drastic change from your usual inner gloom.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Stay away from cats this week. While your cat or a friend’s cat may seem like a sweet little furball, they’re actually most likely plotting your demise.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Just in case you were thinking about it, don’t party too hardy before the weekend hits — and yes, despite our tendency to start our weekends on Thursday here, Thursday does count as a day before the weekend hits.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

You’re headed in a new direction. Good thing you have a terrible sense of direction.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Rise and shine! We all know you’re the last of us we’d call a morning person, but since you have an early class, the stars say you need to start wearing the pants in your relationship with sleep.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Eat your body weight in comfort food this week, or you’ll regret eating at all. We all know some lettuce isn’t about to ease the pain of the weight of your classes this week.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

This week, you’re back on that grind, but you have to actually work at it, which you’re not used to. Sometimes shining bright like a diamond takes a little more effort than just rolling out of bed, ya know.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.