Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Treat yourself this week. You have money now, so you might as well spend it now. The stars say there really isn’t a good reason why you should spend it now rather than later, so just go with it and buy yourself something nice.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You’re obsessed with candles, we know. But September has barely begun and you’ve almost burnt your living space to the ground, like, six times already. You need to find your chill before the weather does and the candle craze really becomes a problem.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your friends are missing you (assuming you actually have any friends). Step out of the library and into any kind of social gathering this weekend.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Stay away from any mid-week parties this week. Why? Because you remember what happened last time you turned up on a Thursday. (I mean, you don’t remember, but that’s my point.)

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Get a puppy. Even if you’re more of a cat person, the stars say a puppy is the way to go and now is the time to get one if you’re going to get one.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You’re incredibly distracted this week. (I’m not even going to bother giving you the stars’ advice, in fact, because you’ve probably already stopped reading your horoscope.)

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Avoid asking too many questions this week because you actually really don’t want to know the truthful answer to whatever it is you’ve been wondering. It’s not a pretty answer.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Pizza is your new best friend. One of your real friends will act like a jerk this week, but pizza will be there to help get you through it.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

You have weekend fever already. Good luck. It’s Thursday.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

So, we hear Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have split. Now is your chance to live the dream — to become famous for dating a famous person. The stars say your odds of meeting either one look pretty good right now. Go get ’em, tiger.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Cut it out. You know exactly what I’m talking about and you know the rest of us would appreciate if you’d kindly cut it out.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

People will be very drawn to you this week — and the stars say to make a run for it. You’ll overextend yourself if you’re not careful because you have no self-control when it comes to saying no to hangout invites.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.