Slightly sarcastic horoscopes


Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Stop overthinking every little thing. Just because your significant other is taking awhile to respond doesn’t mean he or she is breaking up with you. Your significant other was just taking a nap. Don’t look too much into minor things that’ll only cause unnecessary conflict.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Stop being petty and just admit that you were wrong. You’re an adult, and you need to start acting like it. It might take a while to get back in good graces, but give it some time.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You know how they say if you don’t deal with your emotions, you’ll eventually explode? Well, that’s you this week. Since you didn’t deal with how you really felt from that last incident, a minor disagreement could result in an argument that makes everyone wide-eyed.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

It’s true when Kevin Gnapoor said, “Don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang.” Ignore the negative and focus on the positive. With that being said, if you do feel the need to say something back to these haters, try to keep it PG.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You’ve been feeling really unsure of everything lately, including what you want for lunch. Qdoba or Panda Express? Before you get too bogged down, remember that you’re only human and these things happen to all of us. Take a breather and really think things through, you’ll feel a lot better. Also, Qdoba, duh.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Okay money bags, cool it with the spending. That electric bill is due soon and your roommates aren’t going to be thrilled when you’re all sitting in the dark. So monitor your spending, you don’t need that fifth pair of Nikes.


Feb. 19 – March 20

Talk about lazy. You seriously need some motivation. Get off the couch and get to work. It’s easy to fall behind in your classes, and since you have three tests next week, you should probably get it together.


March 21 – April 19

We all have our emotional moments. For you it’s an emotional week. So grab your tissues, your best friend and deal with it.


April 20 – May 20

Chill with the romance. This isn’t a Nicholas Sparks’ book. If you find yourself head over heels and think it might be love, give it some time. We all know love makes us do crazy things.


May 21 – June 20

Like the Rolling Stones once famously sang, “You can’t always get what you want.” That disagreement you’ve been having with your roommate needs to be settled. It’s called compromise. Get used to it.


June 21 – July 22

Try to suck it up and get along with that annoying co-worker of yours. They’ll probably quit soon anyway, so do your best to stick it out. Also, it’s really awkward when you two fight in front of customers.


July 23 – Aug. 22

Go for it. If you’re debating on whether to play it safe or drop some cash on that once-in-a-lifetime experience, just do it. Better to live a life of “oh wells,” than a life of “what ifs.”