Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Congratulations, you have to be the world-record holder for amount of time spent as a hot mess. I don’t know if not having it together most of the time is just a side effect of the busy life you lead or if it is a true gift of yours, but either way, you should probably look into getting it together sometime soon.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Everything in your life seems to be going sideways lately, and you can’t figure out why or how to set it straight. (Gee, if only there was some kind of celestial guidance offered to you every week that could help you out…kind of like a horoscope, maybe?)

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You’re starting to feel like your unhealthy eating habits are dragging you down, but can you ever really be down when you have pizza? Think about it.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You’re starting to lose yourself in trying to keep everyone else happy. I’d tell you to chat with a Libra pal for balancing advice, but we all know Libra’s a hot mess right now. You’re better off trying to figure it out yourself, honestly.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You’ve been in a weird funk lately, but it’s time to return to your natural state of not really caring what others think of you. If you like that ugly sweater, wear that ugly sweater. If you think aliens exist, say so. Don’t let the rest of us with our judge-y tendencies get you down.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Know your limits when it comes to the flirting game. I mean, we know you’re cute, but if you’re not careful, you come off as either really brash or really basic (or both at the same time…yikes) to potential suitors.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You’ll experience true sleep deprivation this week. Long story, don’t ask. Just be prepared to drop the majority of your last paycheck on coffee.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Someone will ask you for relationship advice this week. Don’t give any. You know as well as I do that you have no idea what you’re talking about.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Make a point to eat breakfast more often. It’s good for you. Plus, making it a habit might make getting up at a more decent time a habit of yours as well. Just try it. If bacon isn’t a good reason to get out of bed, then the stars know what is.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You’ll butt heads with a friend this week, but it’ll be fine (as long as they’re not an Aries or something).

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

You might be tempted to ignore a big responsibility this week. Do it if you dare.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You’ve been super busy and your pet has been super lonely. Make more time for it, or it may attempt to run away. If you don’t have a pet, don’t get one now — you’re busy.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.