Slightly sarcastic horoscopes


Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

No one likes a sore loser. Shake off the loss and get back out there. Better to be in the game than sulking from the sidelines.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

We might have to change your name to Moody Judy. Take time this week to ease your stress and clear your mind. Your significant other will thank you.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Watch out for birds this week. That is all.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You’re not Gossip Girl, so chill it with the hearsay. Tables can turn all too easily and who knows what skeletons might come out of your closet.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Fall has barely begun, so before heading out the door for class, lose the sweater and boots. It is still 70 plus degrees outside.


Feb. 19 – March 20

Ever heard of sarcasm? Yes, that was sarcastic. Learn to take a joke every once in a while — it’s good for the soul.


March 21 – April 19

While the rest of us can’t seem to find motivation to get off the internet, you, on the other hand, are very ambitious this week and that’s great! You go, Glenn Coco.


April 20 – May 20

Don’t be scaredy cat. Get out of your comfort zone and do something unexpected this week. Who knows? Maybe this newfound thrill will give you some motivation for other parts of your life.


May 21 – June 20

Remember that money you blew last week buying tacos for all your friends at Fuzzy’s? Well, now you’re in a bit of a pickle since rent is due. Luckily for you, the stars are aligned and an unexpected sum of money will find its way into your pocket.


June 21 – July 22

The world isn’t out to get you. However, karma might be. Remember: What goes around comes around.


July 23 – Aug. 22

Your love life is like a movie right now, minus the romantic music playing in the background. All good things do come to an end, so enjoy the love while you can.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

That to-do list you’ve been meaning to do is getting longer and longer. Quit procrastinating and get to work! Laziness isn’t an attractive quality.

Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.