Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You’ve been sulking around campus for weeks, annoyed that everyone has been too busy to hang out with you. Cut it out and go make some new friends! Let’s be real, it’s not like that’ll be much of a chore for you anyway.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You’ve been feeling overworked lately, but never fear. A much-deserved day off is in your near future. Just watch out for anything that could ruin your day of relaxation! The stars say to avoid sandwich shops on your day off.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your coffee addiction is about to worsen. Take shelter in your favorite coffee shop immediately.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Are you done yet? (Don’t read your unusually short and direct horoscope and pretend you have no idea what it’s referring to. I see you, Capricorn, and so do the stars. The shadiness ends here.)

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Don’t be surprised when a friend comes to you for advice this week. I mean, usually people don’t because your advice tends to be kind of unconventional, but perhaps your weird perspective is just what this world could use a little more of.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Don’t wear, eat, drink or touch anything orange this week. The stars say failing to avoid the color orange at all costs until next week could land you in a very messy situation.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You’ve been highly motivated to eat healthier in the past couple of weeks, but this week, you’ll be tempted by all kinds of tasty evils, including pizza, cake, candy and more. The stars wish you good luck.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Don’t try to grow any plants right now. The stars say while you don’t have much of a green thumb as it is, this week you’re bound to kill off any plant in your care no matter what you do.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

You like being in your own little world, but the stars say it’s time to step out. Smell the roses, notice the sunsets, actually care about the feelings of people who aren’t you — you know, that sort of thing.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

What is life if not full of surprises? You don’t really seem the type, but you secretly love surprises and this week is sure to have tons of them in store for you. But obviously not all surprises are good ones, so have fun on your weeklong, emotional rollercoaster ride.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Feeling a little hostile lately? Don’t worry, the stars say you’re sure to mellow out soon, which the rest of us will greatly appreciate. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but really aggressive behavior tends to freak people of other signs out.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Your library books have been overdue for, like, four weeks now. Get it together.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.