Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You have a million and one things to do before Halloween hits and you’re still caught between costumes. I know you have a tough time with choices, but get to choosing! If you don’t start now, it could lead to some seriously scary business.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Pumpkin spice and everything nice? Please. The stars have seen how salty you really are, Scorpio, and they’ll be watching you from now on, so learn to check yourself.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You’ve learned so many new things this week! You’re more in the loop than ever, but beware, Sagittarius; sometimes ignorance really is bliss. If someone you know says they have a secret to tell you, don’t be surprised, but do run away screaming with your hands over your ears.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You’ve been a busy bee this fall. Sadly, bees are currently endangered, so you might want to find a different animal to be like for the rest of the season if you’re going to keep at it.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You’ll forget about something incredibly important this weekend. Don’t bother trying to think of things now that you might forget about later — the stars say it’s inevitable, even though they’re warning you about it ahead of time.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your life is about to get super weird — and we’re talking, like, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” weird, here. Start learning the “Time Warp” now because there’s nothing you can to do avoid the freaky turn things are about to take.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Keep it classy, kid. You’re not naturally the most graceful of the signs, but you’ve been struggling with sloppiness even more than usual all autumn. Don’t worry, though. Literally nothing else will matter once Halloween candy goes on sale in November.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Looks like you’ll soon be driven to walk away from something old in your life that’s no longer working. Seriously, though, the stars say that something old is most likely your car, so start walking.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Do something nice this weekend. Whether it’s something nice for yourself or for someone else, the stars say you can’t lose with muffins.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You should probably stop skipping class. The professor of your 100-person lecture may not notice you’ve been missing all semester, but remember that cutie that caught your eye on the first and only day you attended that lecture? They notice that you’re missing.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Lighten up, Leo! The skies have seemed a little more grey to you than usual, but that’s just because the sky really is a little more grey than usual — IT’S FALL. Embrace the gloom.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Just in case you didn’t know, your lucky number this week is about 60-ish. You’re welcome.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.