Slightly sarcastic (and scary) horrorscopes

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SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Short horror story: you’ll actually have trick-or-treaters come for your candy tonight. Better buy some extra so you can treat yourself for tolerating Halloween and all the shenanigans that come with it.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your weekend fun has left you feeling (and looking, quite frankly) like a total zombie. Good thing being dead is cool today.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

This Halloween, you’ll be tempted to try something seriously spooky, like visiting a real haunted house or messing around with an ouija board. The stars strongly advise against this. But, do what you will. After all, “it’s just a bunch of hocus pocus,” right?

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You’re in such good spirits today. Others may find it annoying, the way you can’t seem to stop cackling at your own jokes, but you do you, boo.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Beware. Just beware.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

While your weekend may have been a thriller, the stars say your Monday is looking pretty bleak. Oh, well. The bleaker the better on Halloween. Embrace the gloom or risk being a moody nightmare all day.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Who needs Halloween? You’re kind of terrifying every day of the year. The stars say you should probably work on your people skills and stop scaring away potential new friends on purpose.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

You’ll find yourself feeling a little blue today, as your Halloweekend fun must come to an end and you’re way too old to go trick-or-treating on Halloween night. Oh, well. At least you can fill the void in your heart with tomorrow’s clearance candy.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Do you ever get the haunting feeling that you’ve forgotten something? Check your to-do list twice to avoid total toil and trouble.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Your cleverness and creativity will prove to be a curse. Your costume this year is to die for, but the stars say you’re doomed never to top it.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Trick or treat? I don’t know. It all depends on how well you studied for the test you’ve been dreading all weekend.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

A scary Halloween movie marathon with that someone you’ve got your eye on seems like a great idea now, but beware — films too frightening will cost you your beauty sleep.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.