Slightly sarcastic horoscopes


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Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You should probably start making alternative post-election plans. The stars say the line to get into Canada will be out the door and around the block by Wednesday.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

If you’re unhappy with your presidential candidate options, you can either write someone else in on your ballot, or go home and sob into a tub of ice cream and think about the inevitably troublesome fate of this country. Both options will make the same amount of difference in the election.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Your voting logic is super twisted, but twisted logic seems to be a reoccurring theme in this election, so that might actually work out for you.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Now is not the time to be a flake, cupcake. Running away screaming from the ballot box because you can’t handle the pressure of still being unsure who to vote for when it’s your time to vote is only slightly immature.


Feb. 19 – March 20

You’ve been an emotional wreck this whole election, but after the results finally come out … yeah, who are we kidding? You’ve been an emotional wreck your whole life. The election has nothing to do with it, really.


March 21 – April 19

We’re all glad you voted, but there’s really no need to post the exact same photo of your “I Voted” sticker on your Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, etc. You might as well get a sticker that says, “I’m Extra,” if you’re going to do that.


April 20 – May 20

The stars say you’ll make a hideous mistake if you don’t just go with your primal instinct while voting in this election. When it’s your turn to cast your vote, simply click the first name that pops into your head and don’t you dare scroll back to change it later.


May 21 – June 20

This presidential election has two faces and no one really trusts either of them with the codes to anything. Better put 2016 down in the books, Gemini. I don’t think you’ll ever find anything more relatable. Ever.


June 21 – July 22

The stars will know if you don’t vote. Remember that.


July 23 – Aug. 22

Follow your heart in this election. Unless your heart is telling you to vote for You-Know-Who.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Your designated voting place, today, sometime between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. — be there or be square. (Seriously, though, you should probably be there. The stars say square is not a good look for you.)


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Presidential elections are ugly affairs, but we can’t all be as pretty as you. There’s no good reason to stay out of it today, scales. I mean, you’d have to try pretty hard to break a nail while voting.

Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.