Slightly thankful horoscopes

If you decide to venture out on Black Friday, look out for an unassuming little old lady with an orange handbag. She will not hesitate to fight you over a cheap piece of merchandise.

Craving quality time with your siblings? Don’t worry — you won’t be by the time fall break is over. Trust me.

Don’t stress over having to please everyone with the perfect Thanksgiving meal. You know what would actually make the most unarguably perfect Thanksgiving meal? Pizza.

Remember, you can’t put gravy on everything. Just kidding, of course you can! Happy Thanksgiving, weirdo.

You regularly make it blatantly obvious that you like food more than you like people, so Thanksgiving is your one day to get down. Enjoy.

Treat yourself this Thanksgiving. Eat that extra half-pound of turkey or those four more scoops of mashed potatoes. You won’t regret it (at least not immediately, anyway).

Don’t freak when your family forgets to make your favorite food this Thanksgiving. Just sulk in silence until they finally figure out why your holiday cheer is minimal — you’re good at that sort of moody thing.

You might not know a lot about cooking, but you do know a lot about eating. Put that to use by offering to taste-test all your family’s Thanksgiving dishes before mealtime. At least it’ll seem like you’re helping out.

Your friends or roommate may try to drag you out on Black Friday just so they can have some company while fighting the vicious masses. When they try to ask you to come out with them, simply shush them gently and resume chowing down on leftover Thanksgiving feast to avoid a whole lot of unnecessary stress.

Don’t forget to actually give thanks this Thanksgiving. Seriously, though. That’s kind of the whole point of the day.

Don’t go out on Black Friday. If you decide not to heed my advice, something crazy is bound to happen and your Saturday will end up being black-eye day.

Ah, Thanksgiving. ‘Tis the season for turkey — and for dinnertime disasters when relatives feel the need to feud. Do your best to delegate … or just sit back with a boat of gravy and a spoon and watch the drama unfold. Just depends on what you feel like at the time, really.