Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You have absolutely no chill. And I’m sure you already knew that. See the problem here?

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You have a lot of issues. But so does “Vogue.” You’ll be just fine.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Yoo-hoo! Someone is trying to get your attention. (In which case, may the stars be ever in their favor because you are one oblivious individual.)

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

The stars say not to wear anything orange this week. Don’t worry — nothing bad will happen to you if you do. It’s just not your color.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Let your eyes rest — on something other than the page of a textbook. You’re giving the rest of us a headache just knowing how obsessively you’ve been studying.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Do something good for your soul this week, like taking a quiet walk or reading a heartwarming book. Or eating a whole pizza by yourself.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

You’re shady. The stars see you being shady. Stop it.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Start studying for finals now. You’re going to need it.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Do you ever get the feeling that you’ve gone too far? Just in case you don’t, consider this: The stars are warning you that you’ve gone too far.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

The sass. The stars are displeased with the amount of sass you’ve been throwing around lately. You can’t just throw sass around like it’s nothing, you know.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Clean up your vibes. They’re a mess. (And your room while you’re at it, too.)

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You should probably start going to class — you know, since there are only about three weeks of it left in the semester and all. Better late than never.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.