Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

You have absolutely no chill. And I’m sure you already knew that. See the problem here?

You have a lot of issues. But so does “Vogue.” You’ll be just fine.

Yoo-hoo! Someone is trying to get your attention. (In which case, may the stars be ever in their favor because you are one oblivious individual.)

The stars say not to wear anything orange this week. Don’t worry — nothing bad will happen to you if you do. It’s just not your color.

Let your eyes rest — on something other than the page of a textbook. You’re giving the rest of us a headache just knowing how obsessively you’ve been studying.

Do something good for your soul this week, like taking a quiet walk or reading a heartwarming book. Or eating a whole pizza by yourself.

You’re shady. The stars see you being shady. Stop it.

Start studying for finals now. You’re going to need it.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’ve gone too far? Just in case you don’t, consider this: The stars are warning you that you’ve gone too far.

The sass. The stars are displeased with the amount of sass you’ve been throwing around lately. You can’t just throw sass around like it’s nothing, you know.

Clean up your vibes. They’re a mess. (And your room while you’re at it, too.)

You should probably start going to class — you know, since there are only about three weeks of it left in the semester and all. Better late than never.