Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

Happy Aquarius season! Make friends while the semester is still fresh so you don’t have to party all alone when your birthday rolls around. Or you could just be alone, and eat a whole pizza by yourself. Let’s be real — that sounds more fun.

The new semester is three days in and your attitude is already out of hand. Just because right now is about new beginnings doesn’t mean the stars suddenly have to be nice to you, you know.

You’re embracing a new version of yourself this semester — new look, new outlook and hopefully new motivation to actually study.

Don’t second guess yourself so much this semester. Ok, maybe second guess yourself just a little, but only when making life-altering decisions.

You’re already fantasizing about snoozing through your 8:30 every morning, which is fine — if you feel like failing a class this semester. Sleep is for the weak and people who don’t like coffee.

You might feel like you deserve a break this semester, but the stars say this is no time to take one. A single afternoon nap could come at a great cost.

Start scoping out comfy-looking spots in the library — you’re going to need a lot of midday naps this semester.

Try actually paying attention during class instead of just mindlessly copying down notes. The stars say you’ll miss something very enlightening if you don’t.

The stars aren’t the only ones who see you searching for cuties in all your new classes — you look like a weirdo, constantly checking over your shoulder and repeatedly scanning the lecture hall. Please, stop.

No need to start off the semester with so much angst. Save that for later when the inevitable doom of finals starts to really sink in.

You’re just trying to make a few new pals, but honestly, you come on pretty strong and it freaks most people out. Don’t worry, though. You might not have any new friends, but the stars give you an ‘A’ for effort.

The stars say to reconnect with someone you don’t really talk to anymore, but think about a lot. In case you didn’t notice, calling people is excessively easy now days.