Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Happy Aquarius season! Make friends while the semester is still fresh so you don’t have to party all alone when your birthday rolls around. Or you could just be alone, and eat a whole pizza by yourself. Let’s be real — that sounds more fun.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

The new semester is three days in and your attitude is already out of hand. Just because right now is about new beginnings doesn’t mean the stars suddenly have to be nice to you, you know.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You’re embracing a new version of yourself this semester — new look, new outlook and hopefully new motivation to actually study.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Don’t second guess yourself so much this semester. Ok, maybe second guess yourself just a little, but only when making life-altering decisions.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

You’re already fantasizing about snoozing through your 8:30 every morning, which is fine — if you feel like failing a class this semester. Sleep is for the weak and people who don’t like coffee.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You might feel like you deserve a break this semester, but the stars say this is no time to take one. A single afternoon nap could come at a great cost.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Start scoping out comfy-looking spots in the library — you’re going to need a lot of midday naps this semester.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Try actually paying attention during class instead of just mindlessly copying down notes. The stars say you’ll miss something very enlightening if you don’t.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

The stars aren’t the only ones who see you searching for cuties in all your new classes — you look like a weirdo, constantly checking over your shoulder and repeatedly scanning the lecture hall. Please, stop.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

No need to start off the semester with so much angst. Save that for later when the inevitable doom of finals starts to really sink in.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You’re just trying to make a few new pals, but honestly, you come on pretty strong and it freaks most people out. Don’t worry, though. You might not have any new friends, but the stars give you an ‘A’ for effort.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The stars say to reconnect with someone you don’t really talk to anymore, but think about a lot. In case you didn’t notice, calling people is excessively easy now days.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.