Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

The stars say if you actually apply yourself, you’ll finally start to feel less like a fish out of water. Happy Pisces season!

Feeling a little like you’re being watched all the time? The stars say that’s because you are! Looks like you have a secret admirer. Or a stalker. It’s too early to tell, honestly.

You’ve had a long semester, and the stars say what you need most is a good long snooze. Don’t be afraid to take a “20-minute” nap you know will last more like four hours.

Spice up your week by hanging out with someone you usually can’t stand. Obviously, this will test you greatly, but the stars say it’s all for the better.

If your pet has been distant lately, you should try to figure out why as soon as possible. Don’t worry, though — the stars say it’s not you, it’s them.

The stars say your dinner menu for this week should probably include a lot of pizza. Don’t worry — nothing will happen if it doesn’t. It’s just…you deserve some pizza, man.

The stars say you should definitely avoid any and all trees this week. Good luck with that one.

Yes, we understand that someone cute threw off your groove, but that was literally, like, a whole year ago. The stars say if you don’t let go soon, they’ll make you.

Has this week found you unjustly fined? The stars say to pay it in a random assortment of change (including, of course, a few obscurities, like half-dollars). Whether this horoscope is literal or metaphorical is entirely up to you.

You’re nosey and you know it. But, who really cares? Knowing exactly what everyone’s up to all the time is great. But be warned: the stars would like me to remind you of something about a cat and…curiosity?

We know you’re busy, but excuse us. The stars say if you don’t set aside some time to spend with your pals (remember them?) soon, they’ll start leaving you lonely in return.

Why are you reading this? The stars say you should be studying for a quiz right now. Stop avoiding your responsibilities.