Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

The stars say if you actually apply yourself, you’ll finally start to feel less like a fish out of water. Happy Pisces season!

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Feeling a little like you’re being watched all the time? The stars say that’s because you are! Looks like you have a secret admirer. Or a stalker. It’s too early to tell, honestly.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

You’ve had a long semester, and the stars say what you need most is a good long snooze. Don’t be afraid to take a “20-minute” nap you know will last more like four hours.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Spice up your week by hanging out with someone you usually can’t stand. Obviously, this will test you greatly, but the stars say it’s all for the better.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

If your pet has been distant lately, you should try to figure out why as soon as possible. Don’t worry, though — the stars say it’s not you, it’s them.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

The stars say your dinner menu for this week should probably include a lot of pizza. Don’t worry — nothing will happen if it doesn’t. It’s just…you deserve some pizza, man.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

The stars say you should definitely avoid any and all trees this week. Good luck with that one.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Yes, we understand that someone cute threw off your groove, but that was literally, like, a whole year ago. The stars say if you don’t let go soon, they’ll make you.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Has this week found you unjustly fined? The stars say to pay it in a random assortment of change (including, of course, a few obscurities, like half-dollars). Whether this horoscope is literal or metaphorical is entirely up to you.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You’re nosey and you know it. But, who really cares? Knowing exactly what everyone’s up to all the time is great. But be warned: the stars would like me to remind you of something about a cat and…curiosity?

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

We know you’re busy, but excuse us. The stars say if you don’t set aside some time to spend with your pals (remember them?) soon, they’ll start leaving you lonely in return.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Why are you reading this? The stars say you should be studying for a quiz right now. Stop avoiding your responsibilities.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.