Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

You don’t have any solid weekend plans yet and it’s stressing you out. The stars say you still won’t know anything for sure come Friday — you’ll be scrambling to figure something out and it’ll be really entertaining for the rest of us to watch.

If there’s something you want to do, the stars say you should just do it. Soon. Before the opportune moment passes by you faster than time to study for your midterms will.

You owe it to yourself to have a little fun this weekend. The stars say it’s OK to go nuts — but definitely just this once.

You’re too attached to campus wildlife. The stars say if you don’t start keeping your distance from the campus squirrels you’ll get what’s coming to you.

You’ve been wrapped up in everyone else’s lives all week, but the stars say you’ll be forced to face your own problems as the weekend rolls around.

Text back the person you’ve been avoiding. The stars say you won’t regret it as much as you think you will.

The stars say the rest of your week will be as dull as always.

The stars say to stay away from raw cookie dough, no matter how lonely you get this weekend. We know you know what happened to Joan Rivers.

Everything sucks lately, but just know that the stars say at the end of the week, you’re going to come across some bubble wrap and everything will be OK.

This week you’ve been feeling like if it weren’t for Netflix, you wouldn’t have a reason to get up in the morning. The stars say this weekend will be better, though. Probably.

You don’t go out much — we know, we know…homework — but the stars say this weekend you will. And you’ll go too hard. And there’s no avoiding it.

No one can really figure you out. But it’s fine. The stars say it’s fine.