Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

Don’t even think about it. You know exactly what I’m talking about, and the stars see you, you know.

You might be feeling a little bit like a puppet on a string lately, and that’s because you are. Keep your eyes peeled for conniving acquaintances this week.

Avoid speaking this week. There are a lot of juicy things you’ll be glad you kept to yourself. That, and the stars are getting kind of tired of the sound of your voice. Just give it a rest for a while.

Dig up your spy gear — a friend is going to need your help with an FBI-level investigation of his or her potential love interest this week.

People suck, but you knew that. Follow your heart — stick to pizza and ice cream this week, and you can’t go wrong.

Not feeling like yourself lately? That’s OK. You desperately need to shake things up anyway. Desperately.

Drama, drama, drama. Unfortunately, none of it is your own. Bummer.

Skeletons in the closet? We know. You’d better get to spring cleaning before anyone else finds out.

The spirit of spring break is never-ending for you, but we won’t even try to warn you to tone it down. There’s no point — you just can’t be tamed.

Your thoughts have been ocean-deep lately, and your friends are getting bored of your constant philosophical rambling. Lighten up.

Your love life is thriving — kind of. Don’t worry, though. Your secret sweetie will notice you soon. Probably.

You feel like a fish out of water all week this week (Pisces joke intended), but don’t fret — reconnecting with an old friend will help keep you grounded.