SGA endorses concealed carry of Nerf guns

0
577
The Student Governing Association legalized the concealed carry of Nerf guns Thursday. (File Photo | The Collegian)

The Kansas State Student Governing Association resolved Thursday to allow students to concealed carry Nerf guns on university property beginning next semester by a vote of 44-11.

“I strongly believe that by passing this measure, we can make students feel protected no matter where they are,” said Jack Ayres, student body president-elect and co-author of the bill.

The bill overturns previous university policy, which prohibited the possession or use of toy guns that shoot foam projectiles.

Michael Reichenberger, graduate student senator and co-author of the bill, said the bill is about student choice.

“To me, it has to be about allowing each student to decide for themselves whether or not they want to carry a Nerf gun with them,” Reichenberger said. “Under a blanket ban on Nerf gun concealed carry, we strip away the fundamental right of students to protect himself or herself from relentless, orange harm.”

Reichenberger said he will not have to purchase any new Nerf guns, as he has prepared an arsenal under his apartment bed.

Stephen Kucera, speaker pro tempore of the senate, spoke in opposition of the bill, citing legislative ambiguity as to how the bill would be enforced.

“The wording of the bill is too unclear at this point, which is why I cannot support this new policy,” Kucera said. “When you say ‘Nerf’ gun, how can we be sure what that refers to? Will we be allowing off-brand toy guns? How many Nerf bullets will students be able to carry? These are the questions we must ask ourselves as a senate.”

Jessica Van Ranken, lame-duck student body president, said she was worried the orange darts would litter the campus.

“Um, allowing Nerf guns will be good and all, but we have to make sure that, um, the darts don’t become, um, an environmental nuisance,” Van Ranken said.

Officials with Housing and Dining Services expressed concern that with the new policy, residential assistants would become targets for ill-intentioned students during rounds of residence halls.

“Even now, students aren’t supposed to have the Nerf guns, but when I walk through Marlatt, I fear for my sanity,” Aaliyah Murphy, Marlatt Hall resident assistant, said. “Although now that everyone can carry Nerf guns, the fight might be more balanced.”

Faculty in the English department were quick to condemn the bill, citing worries that Nerf guns will become a distraction in university classrooms.

During a campus visit, one high school senior said he was disappointed in student senators, the Kansas Legislature and state universities alike.

“For Christ’s sake, there’s about to be real guns that can legit kill people on Kansas college campuses, and you all are worried about freaking Nerf guns?” the student said, under condition of anonymity due to fear of not being admitted to the university. “What is wrong with you people?”

It was not immediately clear if Super Soakers would remain prohibited per university policy.

This story is an April Fools’ joke and not intended to be taken seriously.

Advertisement
SHARE
I’m Rafael Garcia, co-editor-in-chief at the Collegian. I’m a junior in journalism, campus visit coordinator for the JMC Ambassadors, and the vice president of social events and communication for the Edgerley-Franklin Urban Leaders. I come from Emporia, Kansas, home of the Twinkie, world’s best tasting tap water and journalist William Allen White. I’m passionate about journalism because I love people and their stories, and I want to find and tell those stories here on campus. In my spare time, I’m a Chihuahua wrangler, doughnut enthusiast, Netflix watcher and racquetball player. Contact me at rgarcia@kstatecollegian.com.