Willie the Wildcat has broken his long-lasting silence to announce his new initiative to help students relieve stress and anxiety. He wants to add scratching posts to strategic spots around campus, in addition to having a catnip vending machine placed in the Kansas State Student Union.
“I’m just a big cat with a big dream,” Willie said. “I want to see this university do something that will benefit all my Wildcat family.”
Willie made the announcement this morning at the start of the Open House in a speech. He said any current or future students should sign his petition to send to administration. He said he hopes to show that enough people support the initiative.
“We are a clowder and we need to show it,” Willie said. “There is strength in numbers. We can make this happen. I truly believe in my K-State family in making something that will help all us out right meow.”
Willie said he hopes to have the scratching posts and catnip machines set up by finals week so all students can use them during “one of the most stressful times for all students.”
Willie said there have been numerous studies that prove catnip and scratching posts help students relieve stress and ultimately help them focus on major projects and exams. During his speech, he cited PetMD “How to calm down a cat: 5 herbs for cat stress relief,” which states that after a few minutes of excess exercise, catnip can help calm any cat’s nerves.
He also said the scratching posts can help K-State students relieve stress by clawing and scratching when feeling anxious due to school-related work. He added that the scratching posts can “help keep all our nails filed down so we don’t accidentally rip up things.”
“Does Willie realize we’re not actually cats?” John Smith, freshman in philosophy, said after Willie’s announcement. “I mean, I just don’t get it.”
Several students in attendance of Willie’s speech had similar questions. Smith said Willie does not seem to grasp that although K-State students are referred to as Wildcats, they are not real cats.
“I guess Willie has good intentions even if he doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that we’re not cats,” Smith said. “He just wants us to relax and not be so stressed out all the time.”
Others thought Willie was smart to raise this issue.
“I can’t believe no one has never thought of it before,” Emma Baker, assistant professor in food safety and security, said. “It’s fun, goofy and just a good laugh for all of us. I hear what everyone is saying, ‘we’re not cats,’ but really, it’s just a wonderful joke to share with everyone.”
Willie concluded his speech by giving out free samples of catnip to those in attendance. He encouraged all to sign the petition so the “K-State family” can show what its Wildcats want and need.
“This is no joke,” Willie said. “If we act now, we can make this happen. Catnip and scratching post for all!”
This story is an April Fools’ joke and not intended to be taken seriously.