Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

We know you haven’t noticed, but you shout so much. Tone it down.

Grouchy probably isn’t your middle name, but it should be. Clean up your vibe.

No one trusts you, but you already knew that. Naturally, we have nothing else to say to you.

Yellow is one of spring’s loveliest colors, but not on you. Don’t fight us on this one because you know we’re not wrong. Avoid articles of yellow clothing like the plague.

CALM THE HECK DOWN. Your personality’s panic mode is absolutely terrifying for the rest of us, OK?

Go shopping. Your wardrobe is all over the place right now. Just so we’re clear, it is spring now and it is not acceptable to wear winter fuzzy socks with sandals.

Waiting around for someone to ask you out? Don’t bother. No one is worth your time, and you know it. If you’re really that lonely, get a pet. Or a plant or something.

You have a strong tendency to ignore our advice, so we won’t even bother writing any for you this week. Have a nice life.

We know about the thing you’re thinking of doing, and we’re going to need you not to do it. Isn’t there some other way to spice up your life that doesn’t involve so many llamas? (Yeah, we see you.)

You haven’t done anything even remotely interesting in months. Take a risk, would you? Go bungee jumping. Wing something you shouldn’t wing. Ask out someone hot (not Libra, though … they’re quite happy with their plant companion already).

You turn into an angsty teenager at every slight inconvenience. Put on your big kid undies and start handling life like an adult before life starts handling you like an adult.

No one wants to hear about the the struggles of your major or how much you hate pulp in your orange juice. Focus on the big picture and spare us the details. Please.