Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

It’s really a good thing you’re cute because your recent hot-headed behavior would not sit well with us otherwise.

We know you know all the answers. Know-it-all.

According to our calculations, you’ve spent approximately 63.79 percent of your life dead asleep. Just so you know.

Who spit in your cereal? One of your roommates, probably. Avoid munching on cereal for the rest of this week, just to be safe.

You’ve been worrying about your hair a lot lately, and honestly, you should. Tame the mane.

Yeah, you can just kiss sleeping soundly goodbye for this week. This is what you get for spreading yourself too thin — yet again.

We know flirting is your favorite pastime, but flirting with fate? You’ve turned it into an art. Good thing you know what you’re doing, right?

Your attitude is a recipe for disaster. We dig that. Don’t you change a thing.

We weren’t going to tell you this way, but we can’t watch this anymore. Your whole life is one very long dad joke. This should explain a lot.

You have absolutely zero time to relax. Which is fine because you’d suck at it anyway.

We like to give you a hard time, but it’s only because you’re secretly our favorite sign. Except for when you listen to obnoxiously obscure music, which is always.

Yikes, you are just not going to be very photogenic this week.