Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

I’d say, “Happy Taurus season,” but there’s not really about to be anything happy about it, to be honest.

You’ve been feeling under the weather lately, but…yeah, there’s not really a but. You’re just going to keep feeling under the weather for a while.

If nostalgia’s hitting you hard this week, just let it happen. We all know you secretly love wallowing in the past, anyway.

How much would we have to pay you to stop talking for a few seconds? Name your price, Chatty Cathy.

How do you feel about bangs? You should get bangs.

Everyone tells you you talk too much, but an admirer finds your lack of ability to keep your trap shut kind of endearing. What a weirdo.

Silly Scorpio! Tricks are for kids. You’re a grownup now, so it’d be in your best interest to lay the facade to rest.

We know your secret — you haven’t done laundry in like two weeks. But that’s OK because you still have a shining personality.

Drop everything and take a nice little trip to Canada this weekend. Better get going before your 17,237 responsibilities catch up to you.

Laugh all you’d like, but you’re really no cooler than the rest of us, and not-so-deep down, you know it.

You’ve made frenemy in someone you believe to be generally unassuming. Probably because they could sense you silently labeling them as generally unassuming.

The signs are everywhere and you, our precious little oblivious cupcake, are just missing them all. Pay attention.