Slightly sarcastic horoscopes: Week of June 21

Going to the gym every day and getting totally shredded is not going to solve all your problems. But consider how less intimidating your problems will seem when you can punch a guy’s head clear off his shoulders.

This week is just going to be…a lot. And it will happen all at once, as bad weeks are prone to do. Sorry, Leo.

Quit trying to be someone you are not. Instead, be tiny disparate pieces of different people so that the resultant copycat amalgamation is unrecognizable as anything but originality. That is how everyone else does it.

This week you will desperately try to forget you ever heard that new word all of the young people are using. You know which word. Do not make the Stars repeat it.

Stop looking for your “purpose” in everything. The only real meaning of life is to make the prettiest patterns in the whirlpool of life as it spirals down the great entropic toilet of the universe.

Next time you start feeling high and mighty about yourself, remember, statistically speaking, there were molecules in your morning coffee that used to be dinosaur urine. Someday you will die, and your ancestors will drink your urine. too.

“Well, at least things cannot realistically get any worse,” Capricorn says optimistically. “Realistic, huh?” Life replies, cracking its knuckles.

Live your whole life inside of a vacuum to avoid the tax on air.

The harder and more pathetically you fail the first time, the more compelling the tale of your eventual revenge will someday be. Fail today; inspire the blackhearted delinquents of tomorrow.

The height of all strategic wisdom is to avoid any entanglements from which there are no realistic exists. But oh my gosh, are you ever a crappy battle sage.

This week you are attended by an intense miasma of creative apathy and cynicism. It is not much fun, but it is the only entourage you have at the moment.

If it were going as well as you want to believe it is, you would not keep asking yourself that question.