Slightly sarcastic horoscopes for the week of June 28

Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

Legality is mostly a matter of geography and perspective. So go ahead and skinny dip in that fountain. Plus, he is just a mall cop and probably can’t even arrest you, anyway.

Stop rage-reading the news and take a nap. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is seriously lacking in revolutionary zeal.

This week is a mess and you will be, too. Just snort some [DRUG CENSORED BY EDITOR] up one nostril and some [OTHER DRUG CENSORED BY EDITOR] up the other and let God or the Stars (or whoever) sort out the rest.

Gift your haters a can of bug spray and some KY jelly, so the “OFF!” they can f*** will always be there when they need it.

Your soul is like a field of wildflowers: beautiful, free and often full of bees.

With a little preparation and the right tools, you will nail that job interview. (The tool is a nail gun. Bring a nail gun.)

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Stop worrying about seeming organized. A human mind is supposed to be a messy, confusing place. You know who have well-organized minds? Serial killers.

The Stars responsible for your horoscopes today said nothing and gave me an old shoelace and a half-eaten moldy apple. Perhaps you know what these mean?

Your love is like the night sky: boundless, ineffable and totally unattainable to anyone who did not spend at least a decade studying it professionally.

It is a fact of physics that you run fastest while naked. Do with this information what you will.

Manners make people tolerate some truly terrible things. Know when it is time to tell that guy to f*** off.

Due to a technical error beyond the Stars’ control, all Geminis can now communicate telepathically with pigeons if they just concentrate really, really hard.