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June 21 – July 22
Legality is mostly a matter of geography and perspective. So go ahead and skinny dip in that fountain. Plus, he is just a mall cop and probably can’t even arrest you, anyway.
Stop rage-reading the news and take a nap. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is seriously lacking in revolutionary zeal.
July 23 – Aug. 22
This week is a mess and you will be, too. Just snort some [DRUG CENSORED BY EDITOR] up one nostril and some [OTHER DRUG CENSORED BY EDITOR] up the other and let God or the Stars (or whoever) sort out the rest.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Gift your haters a can of bug spray and some KY jelly, so the “OFF!” they can f*** will always be there when they need it.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Your soul is like a field of wildflowers: beautiful, free and often full of bees.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
With a little preparation and the right tools, you will nail that job interview. (The tool is a nail gun. Bring a nail gun.)
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Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Stop worrying about seeming organized. A human mind is supposed to be a messy, confusing place. You know who have well-organized minds? Serial killers.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
The Stars responsible for your horoscopes today said nothing and gave me an old shoelace and a half-eaten moldy apple. Perhaps you know what these mean?
Feb. 19 – March 20
Your love is like the night sky: boundless, ineffable and totally unattainable to anyone who did not spend at least a decade studying it professionally.
March 21 – April 19
It is a fact of physics that you run fastest while naked. Do with this information what you will.
April 20 – May 20
Manners make people tolerate some truly terrible things. Know when it is time to tell that guy to f*** off.
May 21 – June 20
Due to a technical error beyond the Stars’ control, all Geminis can now communicate telepathically with pigeons if they just concentrate really, really hard.