Slightly sarcastic horoscopes for the week of July 5

Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

Oh, crap. The Stars wanted to warn you, but now it is too late. You have already gotten out of bed, haven’t you?

You blink, and your lengthy to-do list morphs into a list of your personal deficiencies. You will never cross any of the items off.

A conversation that leaves you feeling warm and inspired leaves your counterpart rolling their eyes. One man’s substance is another man’s nitrous oxide.

Honesty is not always the best policy. You really should have lied on that job application.

Be bold this week. Go right up to that secret crush you have been harboring and ask them on a date. They will say no, of course, but learning to take this kind of rejection builds character.

Finding it difficult to explain to your girlfriend why you were passed out on the lawn with no pants on? Do not. A little mystery keeps a relationship sizzling.

Respect is something that must be earned. You have been languishing in the unemployment line for years. Sorry, Capricorn, but some people just suck.

Meditate and find peace in silence now as practice for later when you will have to find peace among a cacophony of assholes.

Have you tried talking to them about it? Why not? Do you not think you should be able to? Wow. Coward.

Nostalgia is poisonous. Growth is the only known antidote. Well, not really. Vodka works too, but you need more of it.

What most people would call “mistakes” are what great artists call “style,” and you, Taurus, are the Piero Manzoni of human imperfection.

If you find yourself in a spot of trouble, throw off suspicion by waggling your eyebrows pointedly. No one truly guilty ever pulls crap like that.