Slightly sarcastic horoscopes for the week of July 26

Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

Polite? You? Not this week, Leo. Your friends are all embarrassed to be seen with you, but say nothing out of tact. Maybe you should learn from them, if they are still around at all.

Just when you thought you had jumped the last hurdle, you turn around and there it is: another battle to fight, another ax to grind, another road to hoe. Welcome to the human condition.

The folks you are trying to appease are having a hard time believing your apology—perhaps because you are obviously stifling laughter as it is delivered.

When you flippantly tell your friend to shut the &#%$ up this week, you will instantly regret your words and start backpedaling, insisting that is not what you really meant. What was it you really meant, anyway?

No matter how much you want to blame your current situation on your crappy childhood, your boss, your parents, your significant other or the weather, deep down you must know that most of your problems are your fault … don’t you?

Turn Netflix off, peel your carcass away from the couch and go outside. Even though the weather is scorching, some fresh air might do you some good. In fact, it might shock your atrophying brain back into activity.

Well, this is it, Aquarius. Your pathetic life really cannot get any worse. Time to go for broke. Break the mold, do something unconventional and shake up your dull existence. What’s the worst that could happen? Jail? Pfft. Please.

Someone from your recent past will rear their ugly head and threaten to make a mess all over your life this week. If you open the door even a crack, they will shove their foot in and you will never be rid of them. Maybe try a window instead, so long as they are not good at climbing.

Do not let anyone tell you that it is a waste of time to spend all day listening to sad emo songs. Upbeat music is more fun, but the right soundtrack can yield double returns on misery. And you love your misery, don’t you, Aries?

This week will find you feeling foolish for living in the past. You’re wishing things could have been different, nostalgic for a better time. Too bad there never was one.

You have never exactly been an upstanding member of society, but when you take stock of where your life is right now, even being a jobless drifter who lives in a scody van is better than where you are at right now.

Your anticipation over meeting a special someone face-to-face for the first time will fall flat when you realize that this person looks like a troll and has a brain to match. Perhaps it is time to stop relying on the Internet to fuel your love life.