Slightly sarcastic horoscopes with Madam LoCoco

Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

Something black and white looms in your future. Either you are being invited to a formal dinner event or pulled over for a moving traffic violation. Either way, shine up your most debonair smile and practice batting your eyelashes.

Believe it or not, other people actually appreciate you—even if they love you for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps you are easy to take advantage of because your life is a constant train wreck, but whatever the reason, embrace it! Be yourself and revel in your ill-gotten love!

Resist the urge to drape yourself in a colorful scarf and parade about in a acid wash jeans. You think you are trying on the hipster look; everyone else thinks you are just homeless.

Once again your complete inability to regulate your emotions, paired with an explosive temper, will certainly lead to a humiliating encounter. Just this once, could you please try to not act on impulse? The Stars are getting anxious with secondhand embarrassment.

If you are feeling especially picked on and victimized today, it is no coincidence. Your friends and colleagues have bets out on who can make you cry first. The Stars bet $50 on you, so you better stay strong, champ!

Your heart is all aflutter with an exciting new romantic prospect—one that would be best left as a prospect, actually. Once you get your would-be lover home and out of the package, you will find yourself wishing you had spent a bit more time shopping around.

If you are not getting the attention you feel your deserve, then you will just whine louder. Your friends can only take so much belly-aching though, leaving you with only those pathetic few who see you as a kindred spirit. Hang up the pity party dress and stop dancing.

You can’t have it both ways, Pisces. You want intelligence and eye-candy all rolled into one convenient person, but that is just not going to happen, at least for you. So the choice is yours: Smart and ugly, or dumb and gorgeous?

The myriad failures of your past plague you even now. You would think that after all this time you would finally be over it. It is high time to clean up all of that emotional baggage you have been carting around before it gets as bloated as your ego.

You have more issues than a Monday morning newsstand, but lately romantic problems seem to dominate your emotional landscape. There is no use fretting: either tomorrow will be better, or it will be worse. Probably the latter.

Stop your relentless pursuit of perfection. Nothing about you even remotely says “role model.” Instead embrace a new direction a become a complete &$#%-up. It’s an easier goal to achieve and much more your aesthetic.

The truth is that you are an irritating, irresponsible emotional vampire, but you must come to terms with this depressing fact all on your own. Have you ever wondered why you have no friends? Never get phone calls or texts? Dig deep now, Cancer. For you that’s about half a centimeter.