Slightly sarcastic social media ‘scopes

Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

Happy you season, Scorpio! Now is the time to bask in the glow of the stars’ good graces — you know, before Sagittarius season starts and you have to go back to basking in your own inner darkness or whatever it is you usually do.

Ah, autumn. Love is in the air — and so are allergies. Do yourself a favor and get over your crush and under control before you do something embarrassing.

Do your part to save the bees because the stars can see you and the stars care deeply about the bees. That is all.

Not to sound like a fortune cookie, but you must first love yourself before you can expect the rest of us to grovel at your feet.

LOL, you’re literally the worst at living in cold weather. Bundle up, buttercup, because winter is coming.

Don’t fight the groove. You know what we mean.

How do you feel about starting a jazz band? You should look into that and you know we’re right. Just saying. Now seems like a good time.

Your life could use a little spicing up. You could use a little spicing up. Go out and do something spicy.

You’re doing great, sweetie. (Not really, but you’re trying and that counts.)

We’re pretty sure we’ve discussed this with you before, but, honey, you can’t survive on Pop-Tarts alone. Please expand your dietary horizons.

Consult with your most fashion-forward friend before going shoe shopping, because honestly, your taste in shoes is dusty and you need help.

All aboard the Hot Mess Express! You’re a hooligan who doesn’t know when to stop doing hooligan stuff, but we can dig it. Don’t change.