Under the threat of continued cuts to its budget, Kansas State’s Department of Modern Languages announced Sunday that it would no longer offer Latin courses, but instead offer courses in Pig Latin.
“We like to consider this an opportunity more than anything,” department head Polly Glott said. “Obviously, the loss of Latin courses hits hard, especially for students wanting to become doctors or lawyers. Of course, there’s also the heritage of the language, and it’s the foundation for much of Western civilization.”
“But at least we’ll still have Pig Latin!” Glott continued.
Glott said the change is effective immediately, and students currently enrolled in Latin classes will simply add the suffix -ay to the titles of all their textbooks. The department expects to keep all of its Latin professors — all one of them — following a brief re-training period.
The re-training period will include a six-week language intensive course taught by three fifth-graders who successfully communicated in the experimental language for an entire academic year.
“The language has a deep-rooted history in American culture,” Samuel Pryce, assistant professor of Latin, said. “I think this will better meet the demands of the general student population, not to mention allowing students to really re-establish their connection to nonsense.”
The department also has plans to partner with the university’s Star Trek fan club and begin offering classes in beginner and intermediate Klingon, Glott said.
This story is an April Fools’ joke and not intended to be taken seriously.