Fighting low enrollment, K-State to offer admission to campus squirrels

A squirrel rests in a tree on Anderson Lawn. Based off squirrel behavior research, K-State campus squirrels have much more positive behavior patterns than the average squirrel. (File Photo by George Walker | The Collegian)

Citing lower-than-anticipated enrollment numbers for the spring semester, Kansas State president Richard Myers announced Sunday that the university will now open its admissions process to squirrels.

“This has been in the process for a while now, actually,” Myers said. “The squirrel community has historically been an integral part of Kansas State, and we’ve partnered with them in the past for many initiatives.”

Myers said the program will only accept squirrels who already inhabit K-State’s Manhattan campus, although the program could potentially offer admission to out-of-state squirrels, as the university cashier is still figuring out how to convert acorns to their cash equivelant for in-state tuition.

Squirrels who wish to attend classes as freshsquirrels will generally be expected to meet the same requirements as their human counterparts, although it was not immediately clear how squirrels might meet the SAT or ACT requirements, given their lack of opposable thumbs.

Additionally, squirrels will be required to provide proof of vaccionation to prevent the spread of rabies on campus.

“This requirement is not meant to alienate our squirrel population in any way whatsoever,” Sandra Cheeks, squirrel liason at Lafene Student Health Center, said. “We’re actually looking to implement this for all of the K-State community; squirrel and non-squirrel. I’m pretty sure I saw a rabid freshman architecture student last week.”

The idea to extend admissions to squirrels to remediate the enrollment drop was chosen from several other plans, such as a plan for buy-one-get-one-free credit hours.

This story is an April Fools’ joke and not intended to be taken seriously.