I have an opinion. It is either a very mundane opinion, or it is a hotly-debated and controversial opinion. Perhaps it is even an opinion that many would find offensive.
Regardless, I have an opinion that I feel I need to share with the world. Here are three reasons why my opinion should be your opinion.
The first reason is rooted in common sense. Because I am obviously a rational and sound-minded individual, my logic makes sense.
This reason is also based in facts, which I am about to give you. I also have sources for my facts, since I want you to believe me and I dislike plagiarism. Since this reason is factual, I put it forth first to make a compelling argument.
This section is, of course, the longest section so that I can bore people with endless facts until they blindly agree with me. This blind agreement helps distract readers from the fact that the rest of my arguments probably aren’t as sound as this one.
The second reason for my opinion is less factual and begins the transition from facts to emotions. This is where I begin to bring up any possible controversial points of my opinion. If my opinion is of the mundane variety, here are some very specific examples of why I have my opinion based on my personal experiences.
While this section of my article is still somewhat factual, it won’t have as many sources as the first section. Any counterpoints to my opinion are now brought up so that I can completely destroy said points with my sharp wit in the next section.
Now that I have mentioned my first two points and some counterpoints, here is my third and final point. This is either going to be my strongest point or my worst point. However, if it is my worst point I’m still pretending like it’s my best.
Assuming that this final point is as solid as its predecessors, I’m using it to argue against the counterpoints brought up in the previous section. If this point isn’t the best, it is used to avoid any counterpoints and simply focus on emotions that can’t be argued with.
The conclusion, of course, summarizes my points so that the rest of the article isn’t necessary to read unless you actually care about the content. Even though people say that you shouldn’t skip to the end when you’re reading things, we all know that it’s incredibly tempting.
Now that I have distracted you from the summary, you’re probably confused and need to read the full article because you think you missed something. If so, my plan has worked perfectly.
Now that I have argued my opinion, I’m going to stalk the comments section of this article to see if my opinion is also other people’s opinion.
This story is an April Fools’ joke and not intended to be taken seriously. Jason DeFisher is a junior in animal sciences and industry. The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Collegian. Please send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.