Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Oct. 15

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Prepare for the worst. (Collegian Media Group)

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Times are tough, but life will soon tip the scales—not in your favor, though. Quite the opposite.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

That biology exam you’re worried about will go just fine. The rest of your life, however, will crumble around you like the walls of Jericho.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

I know what you did last night, and no, mixing those things together is not legal. If you start running now, you’ve got at least a two-day start ahead of the feds.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Your midterm essay will have an embarrassing typo in it, but don’t worry, your professor won’t notice. Only you will know that you’re a fraud.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You will be drowning in homework by the end of the week, but the only thing you should drown your sorrows with is water. Stay hydrated.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You will find new love and immediately lose it because you moved too fast. Maybe next time you shouldn’t propose on the first date.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You’ll feel a sense of betrayal when you realize your week-long semester break isn’t until late November. In response, you will pretend to be sick and make a fall break of your own.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a thunderstorm on your day off. I hope you brought an umbrella.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Honestly, why do you even bother? Just stay home and order Chinese takeout. The only person who deserves your respect is General Tso.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Luck will be on your side when you sleep through all your alarms this week. You’ll still lose attendance points and all that, but at least you’ll feel well rested. How often does that happen?

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

A man with pale skin and hungry eyes will ask you if you want to go swimming, but it’s a trick. Ask him if he wants to go on a date instead, and run away while he’s paralyzed by blushing.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

After days of waiting, that person you like will finally text you back. Just kidding, it’s another test of the presidential alert system. Keep dreaming.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.