Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Oct. 15

Times are tough, but life will soon tip the scales—not in your favor, though. Quite the opposite.

That biology exam you’re worried about will go just fine. The rest of your life, however, will crumble around you like the walls of Jericho.

I know what you did last night, and no, mixing those things together is not legal. If you start running now, you’ve got at least a two-day start ahead of the feds.

Your midterm essay will have an embarrassing typo in it, but don’t worry, your professor won’t notice. Only you will know that you’re a fraud.

You will be drowning in homework by the end of the week, but the only thing you should drown your sorrows with is water. Stay hydrated.

You will find new love and immediately lose it because you moved too fast. Maybe next time you shouldn’t propose on the first date.

You’ll feel a sense of betrayal when you realize your week-long semester break isn’t until late November. In response, you will pretend to be sick and make a fall break of your own.

Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a thunderstorm on your day off. I hope you brought an umbrella.

Honestly, why do you even bother? Just stay home and order Chinese takeout. The only person who deserves your respect is General Tso.

Luck will be on your side when you sleep through all your alarms this week. You’ll still lose attendance points and all that, but at least you’ll feel well rested. How often does that happen?

A man with pale skin and hungry eyes will ask you if you want to go swimming, but it’s a trick. Ask him if he wants to go on a date instead, and run away while he’s paralyzed by blushing.

After days of waiting, that person you like will finally text you back. Just kidding, it’s another test of the presidential alert system. Keep dreaming.