Times are tough, but life will soon tip the scales—not in your favor, though. Quite the opposite.
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
That biology exam you’re worried about will go just fine. The rest of your life, however, will crumble around you like the walls of Jericho.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
I know what you did last night, and no, mixing those things together is not legal. If you start running now, you’ve got at least a two-day start ahead of the feds.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Your midterm essay will have an embarrassing typo in it, but don’t worry, your professor won’t notice. Only you will know that you’re a fraud.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You will be drowning in homework by the end of the week, but the only thing you should drown your sorrows with is water. Stay hydrated.
PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20
You will find new love and immediately lose it because you moved too fast. Maybe next time you shouldn’t propose on the first date.
ARIES
March 21 – April 19
You’ll feel a sense of betrayal when you realize your week-long semester break isn’t until late November. In response, you will pretend to be sick and make a fall break of your own.
TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a thunderstorm on your day off. I hope you brought an umbrella.
GEMINI
May 21 – June 20
Honestly, why do you even bother? Just stay home and order Chinese takeout. The only person who deserves your respect is General Tso.
CANCER
June 21 – July 22
Luck will be on your side when you sleep through all your alarms this week. You’ll still lose attendance points and all that, but at least you’ll feel well rested. How often does that happen?
LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22
A man with pale skin and hungry eyes will ask you if you want to go swimming, but it’s a trick. Ask him if he wants to go on a date instead, and run away while he’s paralyzed by blushing.
VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
After days of waiting, that person you like will finally text you back. Just kidding, it’s another test of the presidential alert system. Keep dreaming.