ARIES
March 21 – April 19
I hope your bathroom is clean, because you’ve got a date with food poisoning this week.
TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
There’s a slim chance that you will be struck by a falling piano soon. I’d wear a helmet if I were you.
GEMINI
May 21 – June 20
This week will be entirely uneventful for you, just like every other week of your sad life.
CANCER
June 21 – July 22
Have you ever thought about starting your own business? Because the stars say you really shouldn’t.
LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22
A black cat will cross your path. You won’t get any bad luck, but it’ll get cat hair all over your new pants.
VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
You will grab a $50 bill off the ground, only for it to immediately burst into flames after being struck by the world’s smallest meteorite.
LIBRA
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Why did you run away from home? Please come back. The stars say they won’t be mad.
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Your deodorant will unexpectedly run out. With no time to buy more, you will use a Febreeze air freshener as a substitute. I guess that works.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
A Chinese restaurant will hand you a fortune cookie with nothing inside. Maybe try investing in a mutual fund if you want a fortune.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
They say D’s get degrees, but A’s get alcoholic beverages. Better study.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
The stars say you shouldn’t worry about that guy you know. I disagree, though. I think he’s a jerk.
PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20
At long last, you will find your family’s hidden treasure: a box of formal clothing that actually fits you.
