Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Oct. 22



March 21 – April 19

I hope your bathroom is clean, because you’ve got a date with food poisoning this week.


April 20 – May 20

There’s a slim chance that you will be struck by a falling piano soon. I’d wear a helmet if I were you.


May 21 – June 20

This week will be entirely uneventful for you, just like every other week of your sad life.


June 21 – July 22

Have you ever thought about starting your own business? Because the stars say you really shouldn’t.


July 23 – Aug. 22

A black cat will cross your path. You won’t get any bad luck, but it’ll get cat hair all over your new pants.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You will grab a $50 bill off the ground, only for it to immediately burst into flames after being struck by the world’s smallest meteorite.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Why did you run away from home? Please come back. The stars say they won’t be mad.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your deodorant will unexpectedly run out. With no time to buy more, you will use a Febreeze air freshener as a substitute. I guess that works.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

A Chinese restaurant will hand you a fortune cookie with nothing inside. Maybe try investing in a mutual fund if you want a fortune.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

They say D’s get degrees, but A’s get alcoholic beverages. Better study.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars say you shouldn’t worry about that guy you know. I disagree, though. I think he’s a jerk.


Feb. 19 – March 20

At long last, you will find your family’s hidden treasure: a box of formal clothing that actually fits you.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.