Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Oct. 22

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

I hope your bathroom is clean, because you’ve got a date with food poisoning this week.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

There’s a slim chance that you will be struck by a falling piano soon. I’d wear a helmet if I were you.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

This week will be entirely uneventful for you, just like every other week of your sad life.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Have you ever thought about starting your own business? Because the stars say you really shouldn’t.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

A black cat will cross your path. You won’t get any bad luck, but it’ll get cat hair all over your new pants.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You will grab a $50 bill off the ground, only for it to immediately burst into flames after being struck by the world’s smallest meteorite.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Why did you run away from home? Please come back. The stars say they won’t be mad.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your deodorant will unexpectedly run out. With no time to buy more, you will use a Febreeze air freshener as a substitute. I guess that works.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

A Chinese restaurant will hand you a fortune cookie with nothing inside. Maybe try investing in a mutual fund if you want a fortune.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

They say D’s get degrees, but A’s get alcoholic beverages. Better study.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars say you shouldn’t worry about that guy you know. I disagree, though. I think he’s a jerk.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

At long last, you will find your family’s hidden treasure: a box of formal clothing that actually fits you.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.