Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Oct. 29

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Have you ever wondered what the inside of a tornado looks like? You’re about to find out.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Good things come to those who wait — except for you, slowpoke.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

You will order three large pizzas in just five days this week. Maybe you should slow down on the carbs before people start calling you Super Chunk.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Your couples costume idea of dressing up as an unripe banana and an overripe banana for Halloween will not make you the life of the party as intended.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

You will experience an unusual amount of deja vu this week because you are slowly learning to control your time travel powers. Use them wisely.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Your first date with your crush will go poorly because you can’t stop yourself from talking slightly too loud.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You will sing with the birds this week while you clean your room. The birds will leave because they don’t like your rendition of “Shake It Off.”

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

That man you see in the supermarket who looks like Daniel Radcliffe will turn out to be Elijah Wood. How disappointing for you.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

I am certain that you can’t drink an entire bottle of vodka and feel “totally fine” afterward, but I can’t stop you from fulfilling your destiny.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

God will test you this week. Specifically, He will give you a written test in cellular biology. I hope you studied.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars say you have a higher chance of finally winning the lottery this week if you just buy more tickets. I think you should invest in a piggy bank instead.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Oh, good golly gosh. All I’m going to say is “yikes.”

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.