Don’t be alarmed, but I have some horrible, spookifying news: there’s a skeleton inside you… right now!
If that simple fact of biology didn’t scare the shoes right off your feet, perhaps these godawful Halloween costumes and traditions will make you groan with agony instead.
1. Dressing up as “yourself”
We’ve all been there — especially if you’re me in seventh grade. Angsty, edgy and way too cool for school. Halloween costumes are for babies, but I, master of irony and subtext, will simply dress up as myself for the spooky holiday. That’ll show them!
Folks, please don’t be the kind of post-ironic edge lord who dresses up as themselves on Halloween night. You’re all adults (hopefully), and it’s okay to have some fun. Dressing up in an orange shirt that says “This is my costume” doesn’t make you a subversive genius who’s above it all, it just makes you forgettable.
2. Giving out apples instead of candy
I wish I could understand what goes on inside the brains of people who give apples to trick-or-treaters on Halloween, but I just can’t. One time my younger self even got celery sticks from a well meaning health nut. That’s somehow worse!
I understand the intent to help kids see the joy in eating a healthier source of sugar than pounds of chocolate, but it’s never going to catch on. Putting one apple in a Halloween basket does little when everything else in there is loaded with enough calories to feed a mouse for a year.
As long as the human brain is predisposed toward loving sugar and fat above all else, giving apples to creative young minds will be nothing more than a fruitless gesture (pun not intended).
3. Wearing a banana suit
It’s an American truism that every possible action becomes funnier in a banana suit, but the problem is that everyone else knows this just as much as you do in 2018.
Sure, you’d be a lot funnier in a banana suit, and I’m sure you’ll make new friends, but you’ll probably have to compete with two or three other folks in banana suits. No one wants to have the “one of us is going to have to change” conversation, so avoid the awkwardness and be unique. Maybe try an avocado suit?
4. Candy corn
Ha! Now I’ve got you. You probably thought I was going to complain about candy corn — the taste, the texture, the ubiquity — but it was all a ruse.
Candy corn is not the problem. The real issue is people who constantly complain about candy corn every Halloween. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a candy corn fan, but it’s totally tolerable candy and it helps make the season special. Get over yourselves, you culinary snobs.
5. Dressing up as Harley Quinn or Deadpool
Here’s a hot take: the more obnoxious a mainstream superhero is, the more likely they are to be a popular Halloween costume.
Batman villainess Harley Quinn and Marvel’s own Deadpool strike me as superheroes who are more popular for their costumes than their actual characters. Harley Quinn was practically made to be a sexy Halloween costume, especially in her most recent film appearance, and Deadpool is portrayed in the movies by Ryan Reynolds in red tights and makeup, enough said.
I know these two red-and-black goobers have countless, genuine fans, but if you ask me, they’re as mainstream and played out as superhero costumes can be. If you really want to make a splash, don’t be another wacky, sexy anti-hero in the crowd. Dress up as Mermaid Man or something.
Kyle Hampel is a community editor for the Collegian and a senior in English. The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Collegian. Please send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.