Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Nov. 5

0
124

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

The stars will punish you for your selfishness by making your next pizza delivery half an hour late.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Everything you touch this week will start to smell like sardines, and you’ll never know why.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

You will continue procrastinating on your work like always, disappointing everyone you know. Keep it up!

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Three spirits will visit you in the night: the ghosts of poet T. S. Eliot, former President Richard Nixon and pop star Michael Jackson. Sounds like fun.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Your wild attempts to make it to class on time will result in hefty fines. What made you think you could park on the grass, anyway?

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

This is going to be a good week for you! Instead of failing your exams twice, you’ll only do it once.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Are you feeling lucky? The stars say you will either win the lottery or be struck by lightning this week. Flip a coin.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You’ll finally agree to let your friend take you out dancing this week. What they won’t tell you is that it’s actually a square dance at the senior center.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

The stars say you will climb a ladder this week. I guess that’s somewhat out of the ordinary, but it’s not exactly exciting, huh?

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Jesus will appear in your toast this week. No, not that Jesus — famous Spanish soccer player Jesus Navas Gonzalez, of course.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Remember to drink plenty of water this week. I know that’s not a fortune, but the stars say it’s still important.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your peers will finally accept you as long as you vote in the U.S. midterm elections this Tuesday. I hope you’re registered.

Advertisement
SHARE
Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.