The stars will punish you for your selfishness by making your next pizza delivery half an hour late.
March 21 – April 19
Everything you touch this week will start to smell like sardines, and you’ll never know why.
April 20 – May 20
You will continue procrastinating on your work like always, disappointing everyone you know. Keep it up!
May 21 – June 20
Three spirits will visit you in the night: the ghosts of poet T. S. Eliot, former President Richard Nixon and pop star Michael Jackson. Sounds like fun.
June 21 – July 22
Your wild attempts to make it to class on time will result in hefty fines. What made you think you could park on the grass, anyway?
July 23 – Aug. 22
This is going to be a good week for you! Instead of failing your exams twice, you’ll only do it once.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Are you feeling lucky? The stars say you will either win the lottery or be struck by lightning this week. Flip a coin.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
You’ll finally agree to let your friend take you out dancing this week. What they won’t tell you is that it’s actually a square dance at the senior center.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
The stars say you will climb a ladder this week. I guess that’s somewhat out of the ordinary, but it’s not exactly exciting, huh?
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Jesus will appear in your toast this week. No, not that Jesus — famous Spanish soccer player Jesus Navas Gonzalez, of course.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Remember to drink plenty of water this week. I know that’s not a fortune, but the stars say it’s still important.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Your peers will finally accept you as long as you vote in the U.S. midterm elections this Tuesday. I hope you’re registered.