Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Nov. 5



March 21 – April 19

The stars will punish you for your selfishness by making your next pizza delivery half an hour late.


April 20 – May 20

Everything you touch this week will start to smell like sardines, and you’ll never know why.


May 21 – June 20

You will continue procrastinating on your work like always, disappointing everyone you know. Keep it up!


June 21 – July 22

Three spirits will visit you in the night: the ghosts of poet T. S. Eliot, former President Richard Nixon and pop star Michael Jackson. Sounds like fun.


July 23 – Aug. 22

Your wild attempts to make it to class on time will result in hefty fines. What made you think you could park on the grass, anyway?


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

This is going to be a good week for you! Instead of failing your exams twice, you’ll only do it once.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Are you feeling lucky? The stars say you will either win the lottery or be struck by lightning this week. Flip a coin.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You’ll finally agree to let your friend take you out dancing this week. What they won’t tell you is that it’s actually a square dance at the senior center.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

The stars say you will climb a ladder this week. I guess that’s somewhat out of the ordinary, but it’s not exactly exciting, huh?


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Jesus will appear in your toast this week. No, not that Jesus — famous Spanish soccer player Jesus Navas Gonzalez, of course.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Remember to drink plenty of water this week. I know that’s not a fortune, but the stars say it’s still important.


Feb. 19 – March 20

Your peers will finally accept you as long as you vote in the U.S. midterm elections this Tuesday. I hope you’re registered.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.