Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Nov. 12

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Fall Break is almost here! Good luck getting there with your grades intact, though.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Your unconscious mind will dream that you and actress Jennifer Lawrence are best friends. You will wake up disappointed.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

That job interview you’re worried about will go off without a hitch — other than a single, massive burp as you stand up to leave.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Yikes, you don’t need to talk so loudly. I’m right here.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Your dinner date at Pizza Hut will be ruined by a child incessantly screaming at the booth next to you. Should’ve picked Domino’s, bud.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Looking ahead, your uncle will make a racist joke at Thanksgiving dinner. You will feel socially powerless to stop him, and it will weigh on your conscience.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You will summon the courage to watch “Avengers: Infinity War” for the fifth time this year, hoping that maybe this time, [REDACTED] won’t die. Spoiler: he still dies.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Accidents happen, especially when you’re involved. Try not to ruin anything this week.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

The stars say you still owe them money, and they’re tired of waiting. You should get that sorted out.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will slip in the shower because your drunk self spilled a bottle of eggnog in there the night before. Happy holidays!

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Dinner rolls and butter are a match made in heaven. You and Alex, however, are not. It’s time to move on.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

At this point in your life, you have eaten the equivalent of a dozen whole turkeys for Thanksgiving. The turkeys know where you live. They are coming.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.