Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Nov. 12



March 21 – April 19

Fall Break is almost here! Good luck getting there with your grades intact, though.


April 20 – May 20

Your unconscious mind will dream that you and actress Jennifer Lawrence are best friends. You will wake up disappointed.


May 21 – June 20

That job interview you’re worried about will go off without a hitch — other than a single, massive burp as you stand up to leave.


June 21 – July 22

Yikes, you don’t need to talk so loudly. I’m right here.


July 23 – Aug. 22

Your dinner date at Pizza Hut will be ruined by a child incessantly screaming at the booth next to you. Should’ve picked Domino’s, bud.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Looking ahead, your uncle will make a racist joke at Thanksgiving dinner. You will feel socially powerless to stop him, and it will weigh on your conscience.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You will summon the courage to watch “Avengers: Infinity War” for the fifth time this year, hoping that maybe this time, [REDACTED] won’t die. Spoiler: he still dies.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Accidents happen, especially when you’re involved. Try not to ruin anything this week.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

The stars say you still owe them money, and they’re tired of waiting. You should get that sorted out.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will slip in the shower because your drunk self spilled a bottle of eggnog in there the night before. Happy holidays!


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Dinner rolls and butter are a match made in heaven. You and Alex, however, are not. It’s time to move on.


Feb. 19 – March 20

At this point in your life, you have eaten the equivalent of a dozen whole turkeys for Thanksgiving. The turkeys know where you live. They are coming.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.