Fall Break is almost here! Good luck getting there with your grades intact, though.
March 21 – April 19
Your unconscious mind will dream that you and actress Jennifer Lawrence are best friends. You will wake up disappointed.
April 20 – May 20
That job interview you’re worried about will go off without a hitch — other than a single, massive burp as you stand up to leave.
May 21 – June 20
Yikes, you don’t need to talk so loudly. I’m right here.
June 21 – July 22
Your dinner date at Pizza Hut will be ruined by a child incessantly screaming at the booth next to you. Should’ve picked Domino’s, bud.
July 23 – Aug. 22
Looking ahead, your uncle will make a racist joke at Thanksgiving dinner. You will feel socially powerless to stop him, and it will weigh on your conscience.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
You will summon the courage to watch “Avengers: Infinity War” for the fifth time this year, hoping that maybe this time, [REDACTED] won’t die. Spoiler: he still dies.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Accidents happen, especially when you’re involved. Try not to ruin anything this week.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
The stars say you still owe them money, and they’re tired of waiting. You should get that sorted out.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
You will slip in the shower because your drunk self spilled a bottle of eggnog in there the night before. Happy holidays!
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Dinner rolls and butter are a match made in heaven. You and Alex, however, are not. It’s time to move on.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
At this point in your life, you have eaten the equivalent of a dozen whole turkeys for Thanksgiving. The turkeys know where you live. They are coming.