Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Nov. 12

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Fall Break is almost here! Good luck getting there with your grades intact, though.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Your unconscious mind will dream that you and actress Jennifer Lawrence are best friends. You will wake up disappointed.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

That job interview you’re worried about will go off without a hitch — other than a single, massive burp as you stand up to leave.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Yikes, you don’t need to talk so loudly. I’m right here.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Your dinner date at Pizza Hut will be ruined by a child incessantly screaming at the booth next to you. Should’ve picked Domino’s, bud.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Looking ahead, your uncle will make a racist joke at Thanksgiving dinner. You will feel socially powerless to stop him, and it will weigh on your conscience.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You will summon the courage to watch “Avengers: Infinity War” for the fifth time this year, hoping that maybe this time, [REDACTED] won’t die. Spoiler: he still dies.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Accidents happen, especially when you’re involved. Try not to ruin anything this week.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

The stars say you still owe them money, and they’re tired of waiting. You should get that sorted out.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will slip in the shower because your drunk self spilled a bottle of eggnog in there the night before. Happy holidays!

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Dinner rolls and butter are a match made in heaven. You and Alex, however, are not. It’s time to move on.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

At this point in your life, you have eaten the equivalent of a dozen whole turkeys for Thanksgiving. The turkeys know where you live. They are coming.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.