Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Nov. 26

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You will slip and fall on a patch of slushy ice this week. The stars say you should do a flip while you’re at it.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Your perfect attendance record will be shattered like a falling ice sculpture when you are unable to open your frozen car doors this week.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Hooray, your university has canceled all classes before noon due to the snow! It’s a shame that your first class starts at 12:30 p.m., then.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

A snowflake will fall directly into your eye while you’re walking to class, momentarily inconveniencing you and making you curse the sky for its negligence.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Your snow angels will be misinterpreted as snow demons by local church bulletins, leading to a protest by the Westboro Baptists outside your residence.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You will eat one of the icicles hanging from the bottom of your car, just like you did when you were a kid. It will taste like crunchy disappointment.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

The stars say you only hate the cold because you don’t wear enough layers. They can be rather judgmental.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You will build a snowman and attempt to bring him to life this week. Your efforts will be unsuccessful because your old magic hat is made of cotton instead of silk.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

A group of five adorable cats will move into your closet because their old place got snowed in. Don’t even think about sending them away, you monster.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Every snowflake you attempt to eat as it falls from the sky will go up your nose instead. I don’t know what that feels like, but try not to sneeze.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Your seasonal depression will manifest as an uncontrollable desire to watch Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel beneath a pile of warm blankets.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

That crazy history teacher of yours will ask if anyone wants to have class outside this week. Whether it’s a joke or not is irrelevant. Say no.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.