Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Nov. 26

You will slip and fall on a patch of slushy ice this week. The stars say you should do a flip while you’re at it.

Your perfect attendance record will be shattered like a falling ice sculpture when you are unable to open your frozen car doors this week.

Hooray, your university has canceled all classes before noon due to the snow! It’s a shame that your first class starts at 12:30 p.m., then.

A snowflake will fall directly into your eye while you’re walking to class, momentarily inconveniencing you and making you curse the sky for its negligence.

Your snow angels will be misinterpreted as snow demons by local church bulletins, leading to a protest by the Westboro Baptists outside your residence.

You will eat one of the icicles hanging from the bottom of your car, just like you did when you were a kid. It will taste like crunchy disappointment.

The stars say you only hate the cold because you don’t wear enough layers. They can be rather judgmental.

You will build a snowman and attempt to bring him to life this week. Your efforts will be unsuccessful because your old magic hat is made of cotton instead of silk.

A group of five adorable cats will move into your closet because their old place got snowed in. Don’t even think about sending them away, you monster.

Every snowflake you attempt to eat as it falls from the sky will go up your nose instead. I don’t know what that feels like, but try not to sneeze.

Your seasonal depression will manifest as an uncontrollable desire to watch Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel beneath a pile of warm blankets.

That crazy history teacher of yours will ask if anyone wants to have class outside this week. Whether it’s a joke or not is irrelevant. Say no.