You will slip and fall on a patch of slushy ice this week. The stars say you should do a flip while you’re at it.
March 21 – April 19
Your perfect attendance record will be shattered like a falling ice sculpture when you are unable to open your frozen car doors this week.
April 20 – May 20
Hooray, your university has canceled all classes before noon due to the snow! It’s a shame that your first class starts at 12:30 p.m., then.
May 21 – June 20
A snowflake will fall directly into your eye while you’re walking to class, momentarily inconveniencing you and making you curse the sky for its negligence.
June 21 – July 22
Your snow angels will be misinterpreted as snow demons by local church bulletins, leading to a protest by the Westboro Baptists outside your residence.
July 23 – Aug. 22
You will eat one of the icicles hanging from the bottom of your car, just like you did when you were a kid. It will taste like crunchy disappointment.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
The stars say you only hate the cold because you don’t wear enough layers. They can be rather judgmental.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
You will build a snowman and attempt to bring him to life this week. Your efforts will be unsuccessful because your old magic hat is made of cotton instead of silk.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
A group of five adorable cats will move into your closet because their old place got snowed in. Don’t even think about sending them away, you monster.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Every snowflake you attempt to eat as it falls from the sky will go up your nose instead. I don’t know what that feels like, but try not to sneeze.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Your seasonal depression will manifest as an uncontrollable desire to watch Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel beneath a pile of warm blankets.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
That crazy history teacher of yours will ask if anyone wants to have class outside this week. Whether it’s a joke or not is irrelevant. Say no.