Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Nov. 26



March 21 – April 19

You will slip and fall on a patch of slushy ice this week. The stars say you should do a flip while you’re at it.


April 20 – May 20

Your perfect attendance record will be shattered like a falling ice sculpture when you are unable to open your frozen car doors this week.


May 21 – June 20

Hooray, your university has canceled all classes before noon due to the snow! It’s a shame that your first class starts at 12:30 p.m., then.


June 21 – July 22

A snowflake will fall directly into your eye while you’re walking to class, momentarily inconveniencing you and making you curse the sky for its negligence.


July 23 – Aug. 22

Your snow angels will be misinterpreted as snow demons by local church bulletins, leading to a protest by the Westboro Baptists outside your residence.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You will eat one of the icicles hanging from the bottom of your car, just like you did when you were a kid. It will taste like crunchy disappointment.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

The stars say you only hate the cold because you don’t wear enough layers. They can be rather judgmental.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You will build a snowman and attempt to bring him to life this week. Your efforts will be unsuccessful because your old magic hat is made of cotton instead of silk.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

A group of five adorable cats will move into your closet because their old place got snowed in. Don’t even think about sending them away, you monster.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Every snowflake you attempt to eat as it falls from the sky will go up your nose instead. I don’t know what that feels like, but try not to sneeze.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Your seasonal depression will manifest as an uncontrollable desire to watch Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel beneath a pile of warm blankets.


Feb. 19 – March 20

That crazy history teacher of yours will ask if anyone wants to have class outside this week. Whether it’s a joke or not is irrelevant. Say no.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.