Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Dec. 3

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You will rejoice because you don’t have any final exams, but you will also find out why they call this week “dead week.” Get plenty of rest.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

You will reunite with an old friend this week: Sparknotes.com.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Homework will pile up to the ceiling, but professors don’t get paid to grade you on your regrets. Get to work.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You will have a relaxing and productive study session in your favorite spot at Hale Library, but alas, it will only be a dream.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

The stars say pajama pants are a winning look for exams. What have you got to lose?

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You’re only as old as you feel, but you will unfortunately feel like you’re 87 this week. Maybe you can at least get a senior discount at IHOP.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Coffee will slowly replace your blood as the dominant fluid coursing through your veins.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your attempt to submit a restaurant review as a substitute for your final essay will be unsuccessful, but delicious.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Today’s forecast: cloudy with eight inches of self doubt.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Be afraid. Every time you close your eyes this week, you will see it: “Transformers: The Last Knight.” My condolences.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

I know these next two weeks will be hard, but you need to stay strong and make sure you keep all your clothes on in Aggieville at all times.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Why are you still here? The show’s over. Go home.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.