Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Dec. 3

You will rejoice because you don’t have any final exams, but you will also find out why they call this week “dead week.” Get plenty of rest.

You will reunite with an old friend this week: Sparknotes.com.

Homework will pile up to the ceiling, but professors don’t get paid to grade you on your regrets. Get to work.

You will have a relaxing and productive study session in your favorite spot at Hale Library, but alas, it will only be a dream.

The stars say pajama pants are a winning look for exams. What have you got to lose?

You’re only as old as you feel, but you will unfortunately feel like you’re 87 this week. Maybe you can at least get a senior discount at IHOP.

Coffee will slowly replace your blood as the dominant fluid coursing through your veins.

Your attempt to submit a restaurant review as a substitute for your final essay will be unsuccessful, but delicious.

Today’s forecast: cloudy with eight inches of self doubt.

Be afraid. Every time you close your eyes this week, you will see it: “Transformers: The Last Knight.” My condolences.

I know these next two weeks will be hard, but you need to stay strong and make sure you keep all your clothes on in Aggieville at all times.

Why are you still here? The show’s over. Go home.