Your spring semester will begin the same way your fall semester ended: full of confusion, coffee and inconvenient snowfall.
March 21 – April 19
The stars say you will consume something past its expiration date this week, but they won’t specify what it is. How coy.
April 20 – May 20
After 14 years of waiting, a new “Kingdom Hearts” game is finally coming out on PlayStation! If only you had the money to buy it.
May 21 – June 20
Have you ever eaten a sandwich that had homestyle waffles instead of bread? This week would be a good time to try it.
June 21 – July 22
Upon arriving at the campus bookstore, you will rejoice when you find every textbook you need without even having to wait in line. Sadly, it will only be a dream.
July 23 – Aug. 22
That new professor you’re not sure about will make a joke regarding “dank memes,” reassuring you that they will at least be tolerable.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Your first day of class will start with the professor handing everyone a copy of the syllabus before telling you to read it in silence for 15 minutes. That’s awkward.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
All of the new people you meet this week will tell you their names, and you will inevitably forget most of them and be too afraid to ask a second time.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Your aging professor will try injecting some life into the class by having everyone stand up and learn to recite a rhyme. It will never be brought up again, but it is drilled into your head until death.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
You will invent a new alcoholic beverage by mixing red wine with your tears. I suggest you call it “Senioritis.”
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Everything will go right for you this week. Unfortunately, you needed everything to go left instead.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Your New Year’s resolution will crash and burn the instant you lay your eyes on the restaurant coupons in the mail. Pizza still loves you, no matter your size.