Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Jan. 21

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Your spring semester will begin the same way your fall semester ended: full of confusion, coffee and inconvenient snowfall.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

The stars say you will consume something past its expiration date this week, but they won’t specify what it is. How coy.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

After 14 years of waiting, a new “Kingdom Hearts” game is finally coming out on PlayStation! If only you had the money to buy it.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Have you ever eaten a sandwich that had homestyle waffles instead of bread? This week would be a good time to try it.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Upon arriving at the campus bookstore, you will rejoice when you find every textbook you need without even having to wait in line. Sadly, it will only be a dream.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

That new professor you’re not sure about will make a joke regarding “dank memes,” reassuring you that they will at least be tolerable.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Your first day of class will start with the professor handing everyone a copy of the syllabus before telling you to read it in silence for 15 minutes. That’s awkward.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

All of the new people you meet this week will tell you their names, and you will inevitably forget most of them and be too afraid to ask a second time.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your aging professor will try injecting some life into the class by having everyone stand up and learn to recite a rhyme. It will never be brought up again, but it is drilled into your head until death.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will invent a new alcoholic beverage by mixing red wine with your tears. I suggest you call it “Senioritis.”

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Everything will go right for you this week. Unfortunately, you needed everything to go left instead.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your New Year’s resolution will crash and burn the instant you lay your eyes on the restaurant coupons in the mail. Pizza still loves you, no matter your size.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.