Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Jan. 28



March 21 – April 19

The stars say you can’t keep using “My car doors were frozen” as an excuse for being late. Be responsible this week.


April 20 – May 20

Financial security is an illusion. Invest in gold before the end times come.


May 21 – June 20

It’s technically still cold and flu season, so I hope you don’t value your health too much. The stars say mucus is only a cough away.


June 21 – July 22

Much like your astrological namesake, you’re in for a lot of personal growth this semester — and no one will like it.


July 23 – Aug. 22

Your incompetence will turn into incontinence by the end of the week thanks to a bad burrito.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

An old friend will visit you this week: exhaustion.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You will try new kinds of alcohol this week, and with that will come new kinds of hangovers.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your favorite sports team will underperform this week, and the only thing you can do about it is post GIFs from “The Office” on your Twitter feed.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You will get an F on your first quiz, but don’t think of it as failing. You’re just succeeding in reverse.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

It is statistically unlikely that you will be attacked by a shark this week, but I’d never trust a mathematician with my life. Just saying.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You will plan a dinner date for two that goes awry when you realize your coupons have expired. McDonald’s it is, then.


Feb. 19 – March 20

Your insatiable craving for mozzarella sticks will ruin your Saturday evening, but the stars aren’t giving any further details.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.