ARIES
March 21 – April 19
The stars say you can’t keep using “My car doors were frozen” as an excuse for being late. Be responsible this week.
TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
Financial security is an illusion. Invest in gold before the end times come.
GEMINI
May 21 – June 20
It’s technically still cold and flu season, so I hope you don’t value your health too much. The stars say mucus is only a cough away.
CANCER
June 21 – July 22
Much like your astrological namesake, you’re in for a lot of personal growth this semester — and no one will like it.
LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22
Your incompetence will turn into incontinence by the end of the week thanks to a bad burrito.
VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
An old friend will visit you this week: exhaustion.
LIBRA
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
You will try new kinds of alcohol this week, and with that will come new kinds of hangovers.
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Your favorite sports team will underperform this week, and the only thing you can do about it is post GIFs from “The Office” on your Twitter feed.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
You will get an F on your first quiz, but don’t think of it as failing. You’re just succeeding in reverse.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
It is statistically unlikely that you will be attacked by a shark this week, but I’d never trust a mathematician with my life. Just saying.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You will plan a dinner date for two that goes awry when you realize your coupons have expired. McDonald’s it is, then.
PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20
Your insatiable craving for mozzarella sticks will ruin your Saturday evening, but the stars aren’t giving any further details.
