Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Jan. 28

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

The stars say you can’t keep using “My car doors were frozen” as an excuse for being late. Be responsible this week.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Financial security is an illusion. Invest in gold before the end times come.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

It’s technically still cold and flu season, so I hope you don’t value your health too much. The stars say mucus is only a cough away.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Much like your astrological namesake, you’re in for a lot of personal growth this semester — and no one will like it.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Your incompetence will turn into incontinence by the end of the week thanks to a bad burrito.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

An old friend will visit you this week: exhaustion.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You will try new kinds of alcohol this week, and with that will come new kinds of hangovers.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your favorite sports team will underperform this week, and the only thing you can do about it is post GIFs from “The Office” on your Twitter feed.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You will get an F on your first quiz, but don’t think of it as failing. You’re just succeeding in reverse.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

It is statistically unlikely that you will be attacked by a shark this week, but I’d never trust a mathematician with my life. Just saying.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You will plan a dinner date for two that goes awry when you realize your coupons have expired. McDonald’s it is, then.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your insatiable craving for mozzarella sticks will ruin your Saturday evening, but the stars aren’t giving any further details.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.