OPINION: Find your inner goddess in 5 easy steps

Kat Hurd enjoys a cup of tea at the new Public Hall coffee house in Aggieville, Sunday afternoon. (Kate Torline | Collegian Media Group)

Hello, friend. Are you tired today? Here, have a seat on the metaphorical couch.

I know what it’s like to have problems, but whenever life gets me down, I have a trick up my sleeve — my inner goddess.

Everyone has a goddess inside them, just waiting to figuratively burst out of your chest and literally thrive in sunshine. I just want to help, friend, so here are five ways to bring out your inner goddess.

5. Recognize your inner light

We have so much light inside us — it’s like we all swallowed a flashlight at some point. Regardless of what other people say to you, your inner spirit is kind and gentle, like Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happiness,” or Tom Hanks in real life.

There’s good in you. I just know it. Remember where you keep the kindness in your soul, and your inner goddess will share a warm smile.

4. Chant in the mirror

This one’s a little old school, but I think there’s a rustic charm to the old way of doing things, like writing with a fountain pen or using a flip phone.

Ancient holy men and modern day weirdos both use chanting to summon powerful deities, so why wouldn’t it work for you, too? Chant whatever phrase you choose while looking in the mirror (bonus points if you’re naked). Saying, “Inner goddess, I choose you!” exactly 151 times has never failed me, but everyone is different, and I think that’s beautiful.

3. Put a spring in your step

Here, friend. Let’s take a walk down the imaginary boulevard of love. Feeling bouncy? You should.

Inner goddesses are naturally jittery, like Jell-O on a subwoofer. The pens on your desk probably have springs in them, but do they really need those springs more than you do? Filling your shoes with metal springs will keep your energy up, and your inner goddess loves to express itself through positive vibes and groovy moves.

2. Commit a sacrifice

Sacrifices have a bad reputation, but they don’t have to be violent. Your inner goddess will show its true form even if all you sacrifice is your daily cup of coffee, or a healthy sleep schedule. Or both!

Of course, killing a goat also works wonders, but I won’t force that upon you, friend. Spilling blood is your choice alone.

1. Transcend with nihilism (and tea)

Do you ever feel insignificant? I suppose we all are, at least on a geological time scale. Nothing wrong with that, though. I like you just the way you are.

The nihilistic emptiness inside all of us says everything is pointless, but I never liked pointy things to begin with. Embrace it. Nihilism is just a way to connect yourself to the heart of the universe, where your inner goddess was born in stardust. Give it a home.

Staying a while? Have some tea, friend. Goddesses love tea almost as much as they love existential dread.

With all these tips, I think you’ve already become your best self. Your goddess is right here with us, and it’s proud of you.

Kyle Hampel is the copy chief and deputy multimedia editor for the Collegian and a senior in English. The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Collegian. Please send comments to opinion@kstatecollegian.com.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.