Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Feb. 4

You will take up knitting as a hobby soon, and with it you will also take a liking to prune juice and complaining about young people. What a strange correlation.

Any Sony products you own will mysteriously break this week. Should’ve gone with Samsung, my dude.

For once in your life, you will actually attend every single class period this week, and everyone will be impressed by your effort.

I’m not giving details, but you will express your feelings about the results of the Super Bowl in such a way that you get kicked out of a Denny’s.

The stars say you should stop wearing that shirt because it makes you look like someone’s dad.

Chicken nuggets are the only friend you need this week because everyone will be too busy to hang out with you.

Don’t ask me how I know this, but somewhere, right now, a black cat is watching you. It probably wants some food.

Ever thought about mixing rum and tequila? Don’t.

As the official start of your quarter-life crisis, you will consider buying a truck that looks like Optimus Prime. I won’t stop you.

Don’t forget to do your laundry this week. There’s no joke here, I’m just reminding you to be responsible.

The stars say you will make a new friend this week. His name is Jack Daniels and he will keep you warm on cold winter nights.

You will repeatedly trip on your own feet this week. Buying shoes from thrift shops has consequences.