Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Feb. 4

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You will take up knitting as a hobby soon, and with it you will also take a liking to prune juice and complaining about young people. What a strange correlation.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Any Sony products you own will mysteriously break this week. Should’ve gone with Samsung, my dude.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

For once in your life, you will actually attend every single class period this week, and everyone will be impressed by your effort.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

I’m not giving details, but you will express your feelings about the results of the Super Bowl in such a way that you get kicked out of a Denny’s.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

The stars say you should stop wearing that shirt because it makes you look like someone’s dad.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Chicken nuggets are the only friend you need this week because everyone will be too busy to hang out with you.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Don’t ask me how I know this, but somewhere, right now, a black cat is watching you. It probably wants some food.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Ever thought about mixing rum and tequila? Don’t.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

As the official start of your quarter-life crisis, you will consider buying a truck that looks like Optimus Prime. I won’t stop you.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Don’t forget to do your laundry this week. There’s no joke here, I’m just reminding you to be responsible.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars say you will make a new friend this week. His name is Jack Daniels and he will keep you warm on cold winter nights.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You will repeatedly trip on your own feet this week. Buying shoes from thrift shops has consequences.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.