You will take up knitting as a hobby soon, and with it you will also take a liking to prune juice and complaining about young people. What a strange correlation.
March 21 – April 19
Any Sony products you own will mysteriously break this week. Should’ve gone with Samsung, my dude.
April 20 – May 20
For once in your life, you will actually attend every single class period this week, and everyone will be impressed by your effort.
May 21 – June 20
I’m not giving details, but you will express your feelings about the results of the Super Bowl in such a way that you get kicked out of a Denny’s.
June 21 – July 22
The stars say you should stop wearing that shirt because it makes you look like someone’s dad.
July 23 – Aug. 22
Chicken nuggets are the only friend you need this week because everyone will be too busy to hang out with you.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Don’t ask me how I know this, but somewhere, right now, a black cat is watching you. It probably wants some food.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Ever thought about mixing rum and tequila? Don’t.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
As the official start of your quarter-life crisis, you will consider buying a truck that looks like Optimus Prime. I won’t stop you.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Don’t forget to do your laundry this week. There’s no joke here, I’m just reminding you to be responsible.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
The stars say you will make a new friend this week. His name is Jack Daniels and he will keep you warm on cold winter nights.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You will repeatedly trip on your own feet this week. Buying shoes from thrift shops has consequences.