Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Feb. 4



March 21 – April 19

You will take up knitting as a hobby soon, and with it you will also take a liking to prune juice and complaining about young people. What a strange correlation.


April 20 – May 20

Any Sony products you own will mysteriously break this week. Should’ve gone with Samsung, my dude.


May 21 – June 20

For once in your life, you will actually attend every single class period this week, and everyone will be impressed by your effort.


June 21 – July 22

I’m not giving details, but you will express your feelings about the results of the Super Bowl in such a way that you get kicked out of a Denny’s.


July 23 – Aug. 22

The stars say you should stop wearing that shirt because it makes you look like someone’s dad.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Chicken nuggets are the only friend you need this week because everyone will be too busy to hang out with you.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Don’t ask me how I know this, but somewhere, right now, a black cat is watching you. It probably wants some food.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Ever thought about mixing rum and tequila? Don’t.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

As the official start of your quarter-life crisis, you will consider buying a truck that looks like Optimus Prime. I won’t stop you.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Don’t forget to do your laundry this week. There’s no joke here, I’m just reminding you to be responsible.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars say you will make a new friend this week. His name is Jack Daniels and he will keep you warm on cold winter nights.


Feb. 19 – March 20

You will repeatedly trip on your own feet this week. Buying shoes from thrift shops has consequences.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.