Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Feb. 11



March 21 – April 19

Have you ever tried learning German? The word “schadenfreude” will come in handy this week.


April 20 – May 20

This will finally be the week where you admit that “Spider-Man 3” just isn’t quite as good as the first two, and that’s okay. I’m here for you.


May 21 – June 20

Your weight loss goals for 2019 will be thwarted as soon as you set your eyes on buy-one-get-one cinnamon rolls. Maybe next year.


June 21 – July 22

Valentine’s Day is this week! Don’t forget to buy your significant other an overpriced gift to fulfill a social obligation perpetuated by large corporations.


July 23 – Aug. 22

Any hot dogs you buy this week will be stolen out of your hands by a very persistent falcon. Don’t even bother.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

A kenpo karate master will approach you this week and offer you a duel. He won’t specify what kind of duel, but I’m guessing it’s Yu-Gi-Oh cards.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Despite what your friends will tell you this Saturday, peach-flavored vodka is not a substitute for your daily Vitamin C intake.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You will spend your Valentine’s Day evening with your one true love: your antisocial cat. Don’t forget the wine!


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You will try a new approach to homework this week: all home, no work. I hope that pans out for you.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The color yellow will become increasingly disgusting to you as the week goes on. Don’t let life give you any lemons.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

It’s statistically likely that a mallard duck will die this week, somewhere in the world. This thought will haunt you.


Feb. 19 – March 20

You will be consumed this week by an inexplicable desire to watch all eight “The Fast and the Furious” movies in a row.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.