Have you ever tried learning German? The word “schadenfreude” will come in handy this week.
March 21 – April 19
This will finally be the week where you admit that “Spider-Man 3” just isn’t quite as good as the first two, and that’s okay. I’m here for you.
April 20 – May 20
Your weight loss goals for 2019 will be thwarted as soon as you set your eyes on buy-one-get-one cinnamon rolls. Maybe next year.
May 21 – June 20
Valentine’s Day is this week! Don’t forget to buy your significant other an overpriced gift to fulfill a social obligation perpetuated by large corporations.
June 21 – July 22
Any hot dogs you buy this week will be stolen out of your hands by a very persistent falcon. Don’t even bother.
July 23 – Aug. 22
A kenpo karate master will approach you this week and offer you a duel. He won’t specify what kind of duel, but I’m guessing it’s Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Despite what your friends will tell you this Saturday, peach-flavored vodka is not a substitute for your daily Vitamin C intake.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
You will spend your Valentine’s Day evening with your one true love: your antisocial cat. Don’t forget the wine!
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
You will try a new approach to homework this week: all home, no work. I hope that pans out for you.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
The color yellow will become increasingly disgusting to you as the week goes on. Don’t let life give you any lemons.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
It’s statistically likely that a mallard duck will die this week, somewhere in the world. This thought will haunt you.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You will be consumed this week by an inexplicable desire to watch all eight “The Fast and the Furious” movies in a row.