Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Feb. 11

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Have you ever tried learning German? The word “schadenfreude” will come in handy this week.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

This will finally be the week where you admit that “Spider-Man 3” just isn’t quite as good as the first two, and that’s okay. I’m here for you.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Your weight loss goals for 2019 will be thwarted as soon as you set your eyes on buy-one-get-one cinnamon rolls. Maybe next year.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Valentine’s Day is this week! Don’t forget to buy your significant other an overpriced gift to fulfill a social obligation perpetuated by large corporations.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Any hot dogs you buy this week will be stolen out of your hands by a very persistent falcon. Don’t even bother.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

A kenpo karate master will approach you this week and offer you a duel. He won’t specify what kind of duel, but I’m guessing it’s Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Despite what your friends will tell you this Saturday, peach-flavored vodka is not a substitute for your daily Vitamin C intake.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You will spend your Valentine’s Day evening with your one true love: your antisocial cat. Don’t forget the wine!

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You will try a new approach to homework this week: all home, no work. I hope that pans out for you.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The color yellow will become increasingly disgusting to you as the week goes on. Don’t let life give you any lemons.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

It’s statistically likely that a mallard duck will die this week, somewhere in the world. This thought will haunt you.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You will be consumed this week by an inexplicable desire to watch all eight “The Fast and the Furious” movies in a row.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.