Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Feb. 18

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

The stars say the weather will improve this week, going from terrible to bad. I guess that’s better.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

After years of waiting, your contributions to the world will be noticed and appreciated this week. It won’t last.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

I hope you don’t mind the smell of vomit. That’s all I’m saying for now.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Someone you trust will tell you their favorite pizza topping this week: anchovies. I’m sorry for your loss.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

You will experience true love at first sight this week when you open your mailbox and see nothing but fast food coupons.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

This week is going to be a good one for you. The stars say you will eat an entire pizza by yourself and not even feel bad about it afterward.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Your mother will text you this week, signaling that you need to call her soon. Get to it!

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

An epiphany will strike this week, leading you to start buying clear rum instead of spiced rum. Join us, brother.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

On your way to seeing a Shakespeare play, you will experience a sudden urge to soliloquize to the person in the box office. Verily!

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Remembering the last words of the Mars rover Opportunity will cause you to suddenly burst into tears during a lecture. Godspeed, you little robot.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars don’t know how to tell you this, but the increasingly large size of your dirty laundry pile isn’t doing you any favors with your Tinder dates.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You should dye your hair electric blue this week. Don’t ask why, just trust me on this one.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.