ARIES
March 21 – April 19
The stars say the weather will improve this week, going from terrible to bad. I guess that’s better.
TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
After years of waiting, your contributions to the world will be noticed and appreciated this week. It won’t last.
GEMINI
May 21 – June 20
I hope you don’t mind the smell of vomit. That’s all I’m saying for now.
CANCER
June 21 – July 22
Someone you trust will tell you their favorite pizza topping this week: anchovies. I’m sorry for your loss.
LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22
You will experience true love at first sight this week when you open your mailbox and see nothing but fast food coupons.
VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
This week is going to be a good one for you. The stars say you will eat an entire pizza by yourself and not even feel bad about it afterward.
LIBRA
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Your mother will text you this week, signaling that you need to call her soon. Get to it!
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
An epiphany will strike this week, leading you to start buying clear rum instead of spiced rum. Join us, brother.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
On your way to seeing a Shakespeare play, you will experience a sudden urge to soliloquize to the person in the box office. Verily!
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Remembering the last words of the Mars rover Opportunity will cause you to suddenly burst into tears during a lecture. Godspeed, you little robot.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
The stars don’t know how to tell you this, but the increasingly large size of your dirty laundry pile isn’t doing you any favors with your Tinder dates.
PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20
You should dye your hair electric blue this week. Don’t ask why, just trust me on this one.
