Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Feb. 18



March 21 – April 19

The stars say the weather will improve this week, going from terrible to bad. I guess that’s better.


April 20 – May 20

After years of waiting, your contributions to the world will be noticed and appreciated this week. It won’t last.


May 21 – June 20

I hope you don’t mind the smell of vomit. That’s all I’m saying for now.


June 21 – July 22

Someone you trust will tell you their favorite pizza topping this week: anchovies. I’m sorry for your loss.


July 23 – Aug. 22

You will experience true love at first sight this week when you open your mailbox and see nothing but fast food coupons.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

This week is going to be a good one for you. The stars say you will eat an entire pizza by yourself and not even feel bad about it afterward.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Your mother will text you this week, signaling that you need to call her soon. Get to it!


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

An epiphany will strike this week, leading you to start buying clear rum instead of spiced rum. Join us, brother.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

On your way to seeing a Shakespeare play, you will experience a sudden urge to soliloquize to the person in the box office. Verily!


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Remembering the last words of the Mars rover Opportunity will cause you to suddenly burst into tears during a lecture. Godspeed, you little robot.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars don’t know how to tell you this, but the increasingly large size of your dirty laundry pile isn’t doing you any favors with your Tinder dates.


Feb. 19 – March 20

You should dye your hair electric blue this week. Don’t ask why, just trust me on this one.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.