The stars say the weather will improve this week, going from terrible to bad. I guess that’s better.
March 21 – April 19
After years of waiting, your contributions to the world will be noticed and appreciated this week. It won’t last.
April 20 – May 20
I hope you don’t mind the smell of vomit. That’s all I’m saying for now.
May 21 – June 20
Someone you trust will tell you their favorite pizza topping this week: anchovies. I’m sorry for your loss.
June 21 – July 22
You will experience true love at first sight this week when you open your mailbox and see nothing but fast food coupons.
July 23 – Aug. 22
This week is going to be a good one for you. The stars say you will eat an entire pizza by yourself and not even feel bad about it afterward.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Your mother will text you this week, signaling that you need to call her soon. Get to it!
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
An epiphany will strike this week, leading you to start buying clear rum instead of spiced rum. Join us, brother.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
On your way to seeing a Shakespeare play, you will experience a sudden urge to soliloquize to the person in the box office. Verily!
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Remembering the last words of the Mars rover Opportunity will cause you to suddenly burst into tears during a lecture. Godspeed, you little robot.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
The stars don’t know how to tell you this, but the increasingly large size of your dirty laundry pile isn’t doing you any favors with your Tinder dates.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You should dye your hair electric blue this week. Don’t ask why, just trust me on this one.