Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Feb. 25



March 21 – April 19

You only have to survive two weeks until spring break! I hope this thought comforts you when you start chugging coffee during midterms.


April 20 – May 20

Soon, your boss will tell you a deeply personal secret: they own not one, but two DVD copies of “Pokémon: The First Movie.”


May 21 – June 20

Your next trip on an airplane will be incredibly relaxing until three different babies start crying all at once.


June 21 – July 22

The haircut you scheduled this week will be an absolute disaster. When your hairdresser asks what you think, you will say, “Great, thanks!” as you die inside.


July 23 – Aug. 22

The stars say you should get a sword — not for any murderous purposes, but just to wave it around when you want people to pay attention to you.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? No, it is not. Uninstall Tinder, install the Domino’s app. You’re a superstar.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You will attempt to make this week easier by organizing several to-do lists. However, you should have focused on to-don’t lists instead.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Dying your hair blue is all you’ll think about this week. The effect on your productivity will be devastating.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Self-improvement starts with you, but it also ends with you, too. Never try, never fail.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

First dates are always awkward, but you’re about to take it to a whole new level. You’ll just have to see what I mean.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You’re going to win the lottery this week! The stars aren’t specifying which lottery, but they say your only prize will be a jar of peanut butter. Darn.


Feb. 19 – March 20

I’m not sure what’s happening to you this week, but whatever it is, I’m sure there’s an episode of “The Simpsons” about it.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.