Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of Feb. 25

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You only have to survive two weeks until spring break! I hope this thought comforts you when you start chugging coffee during midterms.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Soon, your boss will tell you a deeply personal secret: they own not one, but two DVD copies of “Pokémon: The First Movie.”

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Your next trip on an airplane will be incredibly relaxing until three different babies start crying all at once.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

The haircut you scheduled this week will be an absolute disaster. When your hairdresser asks what you think, you will say, “Great, thanks!” as you die inside.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

The stars say you should get a sword — not for any murderous purposes, but just to wave it around when you want people to pay attention to you.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? No, it is not. Uninstall Tinder, install the Domino’s app. You’re a superstar.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You will attempt to make this week easier by organizing several to-do lists. However, you should have focused on to-don’t lists instead.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Dying your hair blue is all you’ll think about this week. The effect on your productivity will be devastating.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Self-improvement starts with you, but it also ends with you, too. Never try, never fail.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

First dates are always awkward, but you’re about to take it to a whole new level. You’ll just have to see what I mean.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You’re going to win the lottery this week! The stars aren’t specifying which lottery, but they say your only prize will be a jar of peanut butter. Darn.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

I’m not sure what’s happening to you this week, but whatever it is, I’m sure there’s an episode of “The Simpsons” about it.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.