The 2020 election is still in the distant future, after all we just passed the midterms, but the field of candidates contending for the democratic nomination is already crowded, with 12 officially announced campaigns to date.
The field is almost as crowded as the snack cracker aisle at Walmart, begging for my time, my money and my taste buds. While democratic political candidates don’t want my taste bud attention (as far as I’m aware), they do still want my time and money.
So, who are these democratic candidates? And more importantly, which snack crackers (or similarly related snack foods) represent them?
There are still potential candidates who haven’t announced their campaigns yet. For example, people are hoping that Joe Biden (who would be a Club Cracker) will make a presidential run, but for the moment, here are 2020 democratic presidential candidates as snack crackers.
Bernie Sanders – Saltine Cracker
Sanders just announced his 2020 run this week. He gained national attention and a loyal following in 2016, but in a crowded democratic field, Sanders will have a harder time standing out.
Thus, Sanders is a Saltine because he’s more familiar this time around, we all would use him in our chili and not give him the credit he deserves. And he’s old.
Amy Klobuchar – Triscuit
Klobuchar is a good Midwestern woman from the state of Minnesota. She could be a great advantage for democrats in the Midwest. However, she is likely to be overlooked by voters on the coasts, like the Midwest often is.
Klobuchar is a Triscuit. She is solidly built, has that nice, grainy texture and plenty of ridges to hold more cheese. Holding cheese is an important role for any Midwestern politician. A solid cracker choice, but she won’t get the love she deserves from the stomachs of voters.
Pete Buttigieg – Wheat Thins
Buttigieg is a relative unknown on the national scale going into 2020. The current mayor of South Bend, Indiana is one of the youngest candidates, the first married gay man to make a run for president and an Afghanistan War veteran.
Buttigieg is a Wheat Thin, because he’s small, delicious and an up-and-coming politician, but because of the fragility of the cracker, he’s unlikely to be able to hold up against other competitors in the race.
Elizabeth Warren – Flat pretzel
Warren has been hailed as a democratic front-runner and many believe she could win the primary and even the presidency. However, she’s still rightly plagued by critics because of the ancestry scandal she incited surrounding herself.
Warren is a flat pretzel, not quite a cracker and not quite a pretzel and probably not quite going to win the nomination. Still delicious, but when you bite into a flat pretzel and one of the pieces stabs you in the corner of the gum, regardless of how good it is, it’s just not what you actually want.
Cory Booker – Everything bagel chip
Booker, a senator from New Jersey, is known for being social-media savvy and his outspokenness on Twitter. If you want to see just how extra Booker is, check out his campaign announcement video.
Booker is a bagel chip. Specifically, an everything bagel chip because he’s extra. That could either be a good or bad thing for him, because he’s not exactly a snack cracker. But maybe American voters aren’t looking for a snack cracker for president.
Tulsi Gabbard – Goldfish Cracker
Gabbard, a representative from Hawaii, backed Sanders in 2016. However, this time Gabbard is stepping up to the plate. She has made some controversial choices, such as meeting with Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad and changing her stances on LGBTQ rights.
Gabbard is a Goldfish Cracker. I’m not going to lie, this is totally in part to the fact that she’s from Hawaii, and who else for the Goldfish Crackers, but also with Gabbard’s previous connection to controversy, she may be a candidate who has to flip and flop on some of her past decisions and stances.
Kamala Harris – Ritz
Harris, a senator from California, uses the campaign slogan, “For the People.” She was formerly a prosecutor and aims to be the first black female president. She’s a harsh critic of the Trump administration (but to be fair literally all of these democratic candidates are).
Harris is a Ritz, because if any cracker is “For the People” it’s the buttery-smooth crunch of a Ritz. Additionally, because Harris is from California she could be “Puttin’ On The Ritz” to try and appeal to voters in the rest of the country.
Julián Castro – Peanut butter sandwich cracker
Castro was formerly the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development under President Obama. He announced his candidacy in both English and Spanish. He champions social justice, but doesn’t have much national recognition.
Castro is a peanut butter sandwich cracker because the two ingredients represent the two languages used in his announcement. Additionally, this cracker has a solid structure, relating to Castro’s previous position. Not the most popular cracker, but a good snack.
Kirsten Gillibrand – Chicken in a Biskit
Gillibrand, a senator from New York, has taken a strong stance on women’s equality. In the past, Gillibrand was more of a moderate because she previously represented a more conservative district in upstate New York.
Gillibrand is a Chicken in a Biskit cracker because she’s flavorful. While she may not stick out as much as other candidates, she also has some spice to her that could make a statement during this presidential election cycle.
John Delaney – table water cracker
I know literally nothing about John Delaney. But he’s a former representative from Maryland. He doesn’t have much going for him without national name recognition, even if he has some decent policy stances.
Delaney is a table water cracker, even blander than a Saltine and, while they’re good for people on diets, they’re just not something that you want.
Marianne Williamson – One of those weird artisanal crackers your mom buys at Sam’s Club
NPR lists Williamson’s credentials as “Spiritual guru, entrepreneur.” She’s a bestselling New Age author and has previously run for congress as an independent in California.
She is a weird artisanal cracker because when your mom buys them, the automatic response is just: “Why? Why did you do this?”
Andrew Yang – pita chip
Yang works in tech and has connections to the Obama administration. He announced his candidacy back in November 2017.
Yang is a pita chip. He tried, he was on the ball, he just isn’t a cracker or relatively close. It was a nice try, but it just won’t work for what you need it for.
Macy Davis is the culture editor for the Collegian and a senior in English. The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Collegian. Please send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.